


On Your Side

by vodkanime



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I promise, Implied Bokuto/Akaashi, Implied Daichi/Suga, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Near Future, Nobody is Dead, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-27
Updated: 2015-09-15
Packaged: 2018-04-17 11:50:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4665483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vodkanime/pseuds/vodkanime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Kageyama finds himself on a Tokyo bridge, ready to drop, the last thing he expects to find is someone else, there for the same reason. Someone he knows. Someone who isn't going to let him jump.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It's Not Time Yet

Kuroo jiggled his key in the lock before pushing open the door to his apartment, yawning when he closed it behind him. He kicked off his shoes but left his jacket on, waiting for someone to come and talk to him. Someone always did, if Kuroo waited long enough, and today he was a little too tired to actually look for his roommates. In all honesty, the only thing Kuroo felt like doing was heading straight to bed.

From the couch, Bokuto's head appeared. "Hey, did you bring me any food?"

"... No? There's no way you ate everything we had, this quickly."

Bokuto pouted. "Don't underestimate me, Kuroo!"

"Whatever. Where's Kenma?"

"He's not with you, then?"

Kuroo rolled his eyes. "Does it look like he's with me?"

"Fine, I get your point. If he's here, he's sleeping or something." Bokuto yawned and stretched his arms. "I yelled for him earlier so he could help me study, but he didn't answer me so that means he's either sleeping or pissed off for some reason. Kuroo, did I do something to piss off Kenma?"

He shrugged. "I don't think so."

"Ask him for me."

"Ask him yourself, Bokuto."

"That's easy for you to say," Bokuto whined. "Kenma's probably never been mad at you in your entire life."

"Sure, whatever." But Kuroo wasn't really listening anymore, was heading down the hall to the room he shared with his boyfriend. Kenma wasn't there. He called for him anyway for some reason, confused. "Kenma?" He walked into the room and sat on the bed, looking around. Kenma sometimes left notes when he left, if he was trying to preserve his phone battery or--yeah, there it was.

 

Kuroo

I wish I'd been stronger for you. Please don't come looking for me, if you're reading this I'm probably already gone. I'm sorry for everything. It isn't your fault, Kuroo.

 

There wasn't a signature. But there was only one person who wrote their words that way and shaped their characters like that, only one person it could be. Kuroo's chest tightened and he read the note over once, twice, three more times, shaking his head. He couldn't breathe. Kuroo couldn't breathe. He backed out of the room and stumbled into the kitchen where Bokuto was searching the fridge. When Kuroo's roommate saw him, he froze.

"Oh, hey Kur... Hey. What...?"

"Bokuto." He'd meant to shout. He'd meant for his voice to mirror the panic he was feeling but he only managed a hoarse whisper as he gasped for air. Kuroo slapped the note on the counter and closed his eyes, leaning on the table as everything spun. He could hear his heart in his ears and feel it beating hard enough to almost break through his chest. Kuroo's hands balled into fists, his nails digging painfully into his palms. He still couldn't breathe.

"Fuck, Kuroo, you don't think... You don't think Kenma..."

His chest was so tight it hurt. His eyes were squeezed so tight it hurt. He was leaning so hard onto his whitened knuckles it hurt. Kuroo clenched his teeth and barely felt the pain in his jaw, barely felt Bokuto put both hands on his shoulder. The other boy was still talking to him, sounding nearly as bad as Kuroo himself.

"Listen, you have to calm down." His voice was shaking and so was his hand when he passed Kuroo a glass of water. "Here. He could still be out there."

Kuroo didn't drink the water, wheezing slightly as he chose to speak instead. "Where, Bokuto? Where could he possibly be?"

"I..."

"Shit." Kuroo inhaled sharply. "Shit, Bokuto, fuck!"

"Lost."

"...What?"

Bokuto took a sip of the water he'd gotten for Kuroo. Kuroo obviously wasn't going to drink it. "Lost? Like, I mean, do you remember when he'd always--"

"Holy shit." Kuroo'd started tracking Kenma's phone last year, just in case he didn't read the street signs when he went out. He didn't, and it proved useful when he'd gotten himself lost on their way to a Karasuno practice match. Kuroo was able to get him even without any directions. He'd needed to use it only a few times since then, to help Kenma find his phone after he misplaced it. Kenma didn't often do that, though. Kuroo unlocked his own phone and waited for it to find Kenma. It didn't take long, but as he stared at the light indicating the setter's location, Kuroo felt his throat starting to close up. He was far, and he was in so much danger, not least from himself.

"I'm going to get him." Kuroo got up and practically ran for the door and ignored the sound of Bokuto behind him.

"Kuroo, you're--"

But the door was already shut. Kuroo was already streaking down the stairs outside the apartment complex, running as fast as he could across the parking lot before he realized he hadn't put on his shoes. He didn't care. There were much more important things than a pair of dirty socks or sore feet,; his socks didn't matter to him right now. He climbed into his car and turned they key and didn't care how fast he was going; he wasn't at all the one he needed to be concerned about. Kuroo didn't look at his phone. He knew exactly where Kenma was, exactly how to get to him. In fact, he should have known all along.

"Kenma, please, please be okay. Please."

Please, Kenma. Please be alright.

 

********

 

Kageyama Tobio had been walking for hours. At least, he must have been, because they sky had gone from blue to black and the bottoms of his feet were aching with every step he took. He didn't know where he was going. He didn't have a destination. All Kageyama knew for sure was that with every step forward he was leaving everything else one step behind him, putting everything he knew in the past. He didn't know where his walking would take him, only that it wouldn't be back home.

Actually, looking around as he moved slowly on, Kageyama wasn't sure where he was. It didn't matter to him, to be honest. He wanted to be lost. He wanted to disappear into the city, whichever one he'd ended up in. Cars were few, as it had to be late, although there were plenty of lights glittering at him from signs on huge buildings and windows in hotels and bars.

Tokyo. He'd made it very near Tokyo, somehow. Wait, camp. Training camp, that's where he'd been walking from. Still, he'd been walking much longer than he'd thought. Walked much farther, and probably faster than he'd realized. Finally, Kageyama's feet had led him somewhere that he let himself stop, listening to the faint bustling of the city as he looked down at his shoes.

He was on a tall, surprisingly empty bridge, leaning against the rail on the outside of the pedestrian lane. Every now and then, a car would whiz past, but Kageyama was too close to the edge to be seen. Climbing over the railing with ease, he stood a mere few feet from an incredible drop, and he thought for a minute that his heart should be racing. That he should be afraid.

He wasn't.

Kageyama didn't feel a single thing as he swayed slightly, still gripping the rail with one of his hands while he leaned, trying to see the ground, the end of the fall. He didn't feel uncertainty or confusion, not fear or dread or anything near hesitancy. But not sureness, either, or any firmness in his choice to stand here and dare the wind to blow a little bit stronger. There was simply nothing; Kageyama was very simply numb. Even the aching in his legs felt remote, like more of an echo than a real sensation.

What stopped Kageyama from taking two or three more fateful steps right then was just as simple. A sound: the tiniest shuffling noise that startled him, making his head whip to the side. He wasn't alone on the edge of the bridge.

In the dark, he made out a smallish figure huddled close by. They were sitting down with their knees hugged up to their chest and both of their hands clutched at the railing like they wished they could be on the other side, the safe side. Even from afar it was obvious that they were shivering, the wind blowing bleached hair into a two eyes that were staring at Kageyama. He couldn't see much of the other person's face, only the lights subtly glinting in those big eyes. They were looking at him in a way that seemed... familiar.

Kageyama frowned. He sat down, letting his legs dangle over the edge and cocking his head to the side. "Hey."

Even though they were looking right at him, the other person jumped and scooted a few inches away from Kageyama. Their head lifted from behind their knees and Kageyama's eyes widened. "D-don't." They said quietly. "It's dangerous near the edge like that."

"Kenma?"

"You could fall."

Kageyama squinted. "I... Yeah."

Kenma took out his phone and tapped at the screen. "What are you doing here?"

"The same thing you are, probably. Um, I mean, are you alright?" He didn't look alright.

"Don't!" Kenma was still holding the rail with one hand, glancing down every few seconds like he was trying to make a decision. He was still texting, even as he sat ready to plummet a thousand feet. Well, not really ready, but he was trying, trying so hard to steel himself. Kageyama thought of Hinata, for a minute. Hinata would be so distraught if Kenma... And wait, wasn't he close with his old team captain, too? It didn't take a genius to notice the dreamy way they looked at each other and how often their hands brushed together. Wasn't the setter captain now? There wasn't any way Kenma wouldn't be missed.

Kageyama leaned back against the railing that separated him from the highway, crossing his legs underneath himself. "Look, what..." He wasn't sure what to say. "Why are you doing this?"

"I-- Uh, I..."

"You... Maybe you shouldn't." Kageyama knew he wasn't one to talk. But... He didn't know what to do, other than try and talk the other setter out of it.

"Maybe you shouldn't, either." Kenma's phone vibrated in his hand and he just about dropped it off the side of the bridge in his surprise. After looking at the caller ID, he put his phone down near his feet and covered his ears. A picture of Kuroo smirked up from the screen, an arm around Kenma. Kageyama sighed and reached for the phone, but Kenma snatched it from him with a panicked look, almost a look of warning. He denied the call.

 

Neither of them said anything. Neither of them knew what to say.

 

This time when Kenma's phone went off, a grinning photo of Hinata with a sunset behind him and a flower in his hair lit up the screen. Kageyama nearly felt something, then, like the first strike of a chisel at a block of ice. It wasn't chipping anything away quite yet, but it was coming, and Kageyama didn't like the feeling of impending... feelings. Not at all.

This time, Kenma answered it. "Hello? Hey, Shouyou... You-- really? Okay." He chewed at his nails and his eyes flicked up to Kageyama for a moment. "Y-yes, I'm fine. Don't worry. Yes... How long? Okay. Bye." He sighed. "I'm sorry, Kageyama."

"Huh?"

"People still need you."

Kageyama wasn't following. "I don't think I understand."

"You will." He said simply. Kageyama didn't really think so.

After that, it was quiet again, for what seemed like another few hours. Of course, it couldn't have been more than thirty minutes, but it felt like so much longer when nobody said anything and nothing happened and both of them were close, so close to the edge. There was nothing that could be brought up, nothing either of them could really say to the other, at this point. They'd both made up their minds. Neither of them wanted to be a hypocrite. A particularly loud engine caught Kageyama's attention a split second before a shout rang out across the bridge.

"Kageyama!" A door opened before the car had even fully stopped and Hinata ran towards him. "Kageyama, what are you doing? Get over here!" 

Kageyama looked at Kenma and the other boy looked away. "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry."

Two more doors opened and another pair of boys got out of the car, but Kageyama didn't get a good look at them before Hinata was upon him, still shouting at the top of his lungs. "Kageyama, get in the car, right now!" Hinata was pulling at his arms and he found himself standing more out of surprise than any actual strength Hinata had lent him. "Get up! Get in! Now, go!"

A different pair of hands grabbed Kageyama's arm gently once he was back over the rail, and Hinata went to go check on Kenma. "Kageyama, you're going to be sitting in the back, okay?"

He turned to see who had him. "Sugawara-san?" Kageyama had completely forgotten that a few of the graduated team members had come back to help them out, to see friends from other teams. Suga gave him a tiny smile before pushing him harder towards the car.

"Daichi, get the door?"

"Yeah."

The former captain was standing against driver's door, and he leaned to open the door to the back. Suga called for Hinata, who ran over and assured them that Kenma was fine, Kenma was getting picked up soon, Kenma was safe. He said something softly to Daichi, who nodded and took out his phone, tapping out a message; maybe dialling a phone number. It had to be a text, because his phone rang a second later as Hinata got into the other side of the car, practically pouncing on Kageyama before he could hear who the previous captain was talking to.

"Put on your seat belt! Suga-san, can you drive?"

"Yeah. Daichi? You can talk and ride at the same time, right? Get in." All the doors closed, and then they were off.

 

********

 

Kenma watched Shouyou speed away with his friends and replaced his phone in his pocket with a sigh. His breath came out in a white puff, his hands were almost too cold to keep holding onto the railing he clutched at. He'd told Shouyou that he was waiting for Kuroo, and had even climbed onto the road for a time to assure the spiker that he was fine, that he was ready to go home. It was a lie, but Shouyou was gullible enough, and thanked him for telling him about Kageyama before sprinting back to the car with barely a wave.

And now he was gone, and Kenma was alone.

Cars went by but didn't notice him, couldn't notice him. Not even if they happened to be looking, probably. It was dark, even with the streetlights making pools of dim orange on the black highway. He stood and shuffled his feet close to the edge, squeezing his eyes shut when the view of the drop made him dizzy. Kenma was teetering, his toes inching forward. His stomach was full of butterflies and his breathing was fast and his hands wanted something to grab onto. There was nothing, and Kenma felt his heart jump in his throat when he leaned forward and felt himself falling. His arms flailed suddenly and his eyes shot open, his mouth gaping in a scream that couldn't leave his throat.

An arm caught his wrist. His own arm jerked painfully back and suddenly his feet were both on something solid again. Momentum forced Kenma to back up and he slammed into something, into someone.

"Kenma!"

He turned and locked eyes with Kuroo for one terrifying second before he was being dragged away from the edge. Kuroo lifted him bodily from the road in order to get him over the railing, and Kenma squirmed. Adrenaline shot through every nerve in his body as he was shoved into Kuroo's car and had the door closed on him when he tried to speak. He had barely any time to brace himself before Kuroo got in on the other side, lunging across the seat without even shutting his door and pulling Kenma into a painfully tight hug. He was too shocked still to hug back, but Kuroo only held him tighter.

"You idiot!" He yelled into Kenma's shoulder and Kenma winced. "Hell, I thought I'd really lost you." His body shook with silent sobs, leaning into Kenma more than he realized and causing the smaller boy to be pushed against he passenger side window. Kuroo pulled back when Kenma wheezed. He grabbed Kenma's face with both of his hands, his eyes wild, desperate as he searched Kenma's face. "Kenma. Why didn't you say something?" Kuroo didn't wait for an answer before he sat properly in the driver's seat and fastened his seat belt. The engine revved and the tires squealed as Kuroo turned the car around and sped down the road.

Kenma was silent next to his boyfriend. Kuroo one the other hand, Kuroo had plenty to say. "Do you have any fucking idea-- God, Kenma, I was so--" He couldn't figure out what he wanted to say first, apparently, and Kenma felt a growing sense of unease as Kuroo gripped the steering wheel harder. He still didn't say anything. "Fuck! Kenma, I thought-- I thought you were really gone."

He was crying quietly, and Kenma swallowed a painful lump in his own throat. If he tried to answer him, Kuroo wouldn't be the only one who was crying, and Kenma couldn't afford to break like that. Not here, not now, not after everything that had already happened. Of course, everything that had happened only made it more likely that his resolve would falter.

"Kuroo..."

"Don't. Just don't, okay?" Kenma caught a whispered "Fuck," before they descended into silence. He reached for the radio dial, but changed his mind before he turned it on and instead just stared out his window.

Kenma rested his head against the glass and tried to take deep breaths to come down from his adrenaline high. His heart was still racing. His eyes still felt as wide as dinner plates. Everything was wrong, everything was different than it should be and now he'd been pulled off of the bridge when he'd barely started to fall, was being driven back home when he thought he'd never go back again. And nothing had ever scared him more.

Although he had to admit, laying in his bed again, seeing his friends... Kenma was pleased about that. He was excited to see Bokuto, and to moan about studying and making tea. It would all just be so much harder now. Kenma didn't know what to expect.

"Kuroo."

"Yes." The reply was a whisper.

"Um..." Kenma was still looking out the window, and he found that he didn't recognize where they were heading. "Did you take a wrong turn somewhere?"

"No."

But they weren't going home. They were turning off of a road into a green field and Kuroo cut the engine, his hands leaving the steering wheel to cover his face. Kuroo was crying. Not like before, but noisier, messier, and louder, his body shaking with gasping sobs. Kenma wasn't sure what to do. He couldn't offer comfort when he was the reason Kuroo was so upset in the first place. He couldn't really do anything besides sit there with his arms wrapped around his stomach while he tried to hold it together. Kenma couldn't do anything other than sit and observe the pain he'd caused someone that he loved so much.

 

********

 


	2. All My Fault

Kuroo didn't think he'd ever cried so much at one time. He'd broken his arm in the second grade, but his crying had been sporadic, delayed by shock, and most importantly, he'd been trying to keep the tears behind his eyes. That's where they belonged. When his favourite aunt had died, Kuroo was twelve years old, and didn't cry until her funeral, where the huge crowd of other sad people gave him basically no choice. When Kuroo was sixteen, he'd eaten an insanely hot pepper on a dare and his eyes had watered like hell for ages. And once, he'd wept when he'd hit a bird with his car on his way to class.

But now, Kuroo let himself go, tears streaming down his face as he choked on broken sobs. His nose ran down his face and he wiped at it with the sleeve of his jacket, breathing in with a sharp gasp before coughing and sobbing with his whole body. Kuroo's chest heaved, and he let out an embarrassingly wet sniff, keeping his face covered as much as possible. He buried the bottom half of his face in his elbow as he leaned against the wheel hard enough to honk the horn. The sound startled a hiccup out of him and he accidentally inhaled some of his saliva. Kuroo was back to coughing, still crying so hard his throat was beginning to hurt.

It seemed like hours before he grew quieter. Kuroo sighed and sat in silence for a full couple of minutes before he looked beside him, still smushing his face against the steering wheel. He'd nearly forgotten about the other person in the car.

Kenma was sitting with his back straight and his arms wrapped around his stomach, looking like he was about to be sick. His head was slightly bowed and his mouth was a hard line and his brow was furrowed. Kuroo just about started crying all over again when he looked at him. He'd almost been truly lost to him. Kenma was so precious to him, and he'd nearly just died. Kenma had almost been dead, and Kuroo had barely been in time to help. He wasn't even sure if Kenma would consider the saving of his life to be help. That terrified him.

Kuroo undid his seat belt and cleared his throat. "Okay, come on."

Kenma jumped. "What?"

"Come on, get out."

The look the setter gave him was wary. "Wh-- Kuroo, where are we?"

"Just get out of the car, please?" Kuroo got out and closed the car door, moving around to open the trunk of the car. Kenma got out slower, closed his door quieter before joining him. He picked up an old blanket and wrapped it around Kenma's shivering shoulders before taking one of his hands, pulling him gently further toward the centre of the field.

"Kuroo..." 

He sat down on the dewey grass, tugging Kenma down and pressing his face into the back of the smaller boy's shoulder. His arms were around Kenma's stomach and he fought the urge to squeeze him.

"Kuroo, what are we doing here?"

Kuroo took a deep breath."I can't go home yet. I... I can't face home yet. I need to cool down, get my shit back together." He sighed. "I'm sorry about everything just now." His voice was a murmur against the blanket around Kenma.

"No, don't be."

Kuroo could feel Kenma's heart beating as he held him close, there in the field in the middle of the night. It occurred to him that it wouldn't be beating right now, if he'd stopped to put on shoes or hesitated for more than a minute. As glad as he was to have his boyfriend here in his embrace, it occurred to him at the same time that Kenma might resent him for it, and that he would be angry with Kuroo for what he'd done. Worse still, he was hit with the thought that if Kenma really, really wanted to fall... No, Kuroo wouldn't let him do it again. Kenma would be alright.

"Kuroo, what are you going to tell Bokuto?" Kenma's voice was small.

He thought about that. Bokuto would be worried sick, possibly literally so, he couldn't lie to him. He cared about Kenma just as much as anyone else did, it wouldn't be fair if he wasn't honest with the ace. Besides, Bokuto paid half the rent. No route Kuroo tried allowed for anything being kept from him, and he sighed, kissing Kenma's shoulder.

"The truth. I'm gonna tell him the truth."

Kenma made a tiny noise of agreement that Kuroo felt more than heard, and they sat there together until Kuroo started shivering and Kenma tried to put the blanket around him instead. It wasn't big enough for the both of them, and even though Kenma insisted he was warm enough now, that Kuroo should take it if he needed, Kuroo wouldn't. They very nearly got into a fight about it before Kenma tried to warm his boyfriend up by hugging him and transferring body heat through the contact. All of Kuroo's frustration disappeared with Kenma's head tucked under his chin and Kenma's warm hands on his back, with his head against Kuroo's chest and his legs wrapped around Kuroo's waist. Kenma was doing everything he could to warm him up, in spite of everything.

Kuroo leeched enough heat from the smaller boy to stop shivering, but the air was chilly, and now that he was calmer, he pulled Kenma to his feet. "You wanna go home?"

Kenma nodded and they walked back to Kuroo's car. Kenma fell asleep in the passenger seat, and Kuroo put on some quiet music to keep himself awake. He wasn't sure what the songs were on the radio, didn't care. He hummed along as well as he could, because the drive was long and it was later than he wanted to be out and he couldn't let himself get down. He had to keep his mood up for the sake of everybody else (Bokuto was touchy, Kenma'd just been bridge-jumping). He couldn't afford to be upset anymore because no one else could, either, so he had to be strong. He could manage.

Home. They were going home, both of them. Kenma was okay, and he was coming home.

 

********

 

Trapped in the back seat with Hinata was the last thing Kageyama wanted to be, but here they were, the spiker's voice filling the entire vehicle as they drove into the night. Hinata was yelling so loudly it was probably disturbing Daichi's phone call terribly, and distracting Sugawara from the road. The thing about driving in the dark was that you had to concentrate, but Kageyama couldn't muster up the energy even to tell Hinata to can it. It never worked when he did. He would let this one go, for now. It wasn't like Hinata had no reason to be angry. 

"You're so stupid!" Kageyama was having his shoulder smacked as Hinata bounced around the back seat, absolutely furious. "You're-- I can't believe--"

Suga called from the driver's seat. "Hinata, put on your seat belt." See? Distracting.

"I can't! I'm gonna explode if I sit still." 

"You don't have to sit still to have your seat belt on, I promise."

Hinata grumbled, whined a little before buckling himself properly into the seat. "Stupid..."

Kageyama clenched his jaw. Everyone was upset with him, again. Everything was his fault, again. It felt like there was no air in the car and Kageyama wished that he would suffocate in the back before he had to face the rest of the team, and have more people yell at him and pester him. He wished silently that another car would hit them, but the road was empty and he couldn't hope that Suga would get distracted enough to have an accident on his own. He was too responsible. Safety was high on the setter's priority list.

Daichi hung up his phone and murmured something to his boyfriend, and Kageyama barely caught Suga's nod. He didn't know what they were talking about, but he decided he probably didn't want to, because they were probably talking about him. Hinata was glaring at him from the other side of the car, still, and Kageyama avoided his eyes as much as possible, nearly fooling himself into thinking he could sidestep the whole situation.

But no one sidestepped Hinata, not even when it came to normal, everyday things like borrowing a pencil. He didn't let things go. Even with his most feared rivals, if he avoided conflict for too long he would just snap. There was no predicting when, how soon he would break, but he always did, in the end. That's exactly what happened in the car.

"You're not even gonna say anything?" Hinata's eyes weren't fully visible in the dark of the vehicle, but Kageyama knew that they would be as full of anger as his words. There was a small quiver in the smaller boy's voice and it offset the aggressive tone rather effectively, although a sudden wave of guilt pushed at the edges of his mind. But Hinata was right, Kageyama wasn't going to say anything, because he had nothing to say. He couldn't have forced something out if he tried. "You're just gonna sit there?" The spiker's voice was rising in volume but the men in the front seat were having a discussion of their own. "You don't have anything to say to me? Are you gonna tell me you're sorry?" Hinata lurched and his fist collided with Kageyama's shoulder. Tiny hands smacked at his arm and he fought to keep from wincing, clenching his jaw harder.

Daichi poked his head around the seat. "Hey, Hina--"

"What were you doing, Kageyama? What were you thinking?" He hiccuped, giving away that he was starting to cry, and it stung worse than the blows to the side of Kageyama's body. "What do you think you were doing?" He demanded again. Hinata flopped sideways into his lap, the seatbelt stretching to its limit. The way the other boy hit Kageyama's knee had to have been painful, but he just pushed harder into his leg as a sob escaped him. Kageyama was still for a minute before he lightly put his hand on Hinata's shoulder. Daichi was still looking back at them with wide eyes, staring at Kageyama in confusion. Kageyama shrugged, a little distressed at how everything was unfolding, and how it was finally starting to get to him.

"I'm--" He nearly choked on the word as he put his other hand on Hinata's shoulder, too. "I'm so sorry, Hinata." The seat belt was digging into Hinata's shoulder and Kageyama reached over and unbuckled it, letting the smaller boy snuggle closer to him as he breathed shakily. He may or may not have wiped his nose on Kageyama's pants, it may or may not have been an accident, but Kageyama didn't care right now. A tiny sound came from Hinata's throat as he rolled over and buried his face into the taller boy's stomach and wrapping his arms around Kageyama's torso. After a few minutes, the car was silent again. Hinata was asleep.

"Kageyama..." Suga reached up and tilted the mirror so that he could look at him. "We're not going back to the camp."

"What?"

Daichi spoke next. "That was the coach, just now, on the phone. Since it's the last day of camp anyway, we're getting you out of Tokyo."

"... What?"

"Sorry we didn't get to telling you sooner, but we do have a long drive ahead of us, still."

Kageyama sighed and looked out the window. "Whose car is this?"

"It's Daichi's. Hinata came and woke us up right when Kenma texted him, and it's not like we were going to grab the bus."

"Right." They drove for a few more hours, and nobody said anything else to Kageyama. Daichi and Suga chatted a little now and then, but the silence was mainly broken only by yawns and the occasional shifting in seats. It was an awfully long time to be left to his own thoughts, and a few times Kageyama came close to making conversation just to push his own inner monologue away. But he'd done that enough, the pushing away. It had almost killed him.

He caught himself wondering if that was really true, if he really almost met his death tonight. He couldn't be sure that he had. Sure, Kageyama spent some time wishing the ground would swallow him up, or that a meteor would hit him if he stood still long enough, but to actually...? The car rolled to a stop, jerking Kageyama back to the present. Hinata woke up as if on cue and yawned.

"Are we here?"

"Yeah, are you gonna be alright from here?" Suga frowned at them. "We're staying in Miyagi tonight, it's too much of a drive back up, so text me if you need anything?"

Hinata nodded. "Yeah, I promise." He dragged Kageyama out of the car and then down the driveway of the house, but something wasn't right. Something definitely wasn't right.

"Hinata, this isn't my house."

"Um, no."

"This... This isn't your house, either. Where are we?"

Hinata was already knocking softly on the door. It opened after a short while and a tall, thin, incredibly pissed-off boy studied them groggily. A pair of loose striped boxers hung off his hips and he was wearing a shirt with a tiny dinosaur near the shoulder. With a sniff, the owner of the house scowled at them.

"... T-Tsukishima?"

He coughed into his elbow. "Your..." Tsukki yawned. "Majesty."

Hinata punched him. "Can we come in?"

"Are you crying? Hey, you know it's four in the morning, right?" The blocker rubbed at his eyes and put a hand on his hips. "What are you-- You went to camp right?" Tsukishima hadn't gone, since he'd come down with a terrible flu a few days before they left. To be honest, he still looked pretty bad.

"Can we come in or not?" Hinata was shouting again. Kageyama gave Tsukishima a look, and the blond stepped back with a sigh.

"Fine. Just shut up and take off your shoes."

 

********

 

Kenma must have fallen asleep in the car. He hadn't meant to, but when Kuroo gently shook him awake, they were already in the parking lot outside their apartment building. Only a few of the lights in the windows we still on, and he searched for their own before unbuckling his seat belt and sliding out onto the pavement. He didn't find it, but he expected Bokuto would be up and alert. He couldn't sleep when he was stressed out, much like Kenma himself couldn't. He shuffled up the steps and yawned while he waited outside the door and Kuroo fished around in his pockets.

Kenma leaned against the wall and let his eyes close. He really, honestly was really to sleep for... Probably for the rest of his life; he was exhausted.

"Shit, hey, have you got your key?" Kuroo poked him in the shoulder and he sighed.

"Um, n-no." He felt Kuroo's eyes on him. Kenma never left without his key, and probably also a spare key, and Kuroo knew it.

"No?"

"I..." He swallowed. "I didn't think I would be coming back, Kuroo." A pause followed his words, and Kuroo stuck his hands in his back pockets with a quiet whistle. The taller boy scuffed his toe into the ground and sniffed.

"Fuck."

"I--"

"Don't say you're sorry."

"Okay." Kenma watched his boyfriend raise his hand to knock on the door. He heard it being unlocked for the other side and when it opened a crack, Bokuto's right eye squinted at them before he swung the door open the rest of the way enthusiastically.

"Guys!"

"Hey, Bokuto." Kuroo ducked under his arm and into the suite.

"Hello."

"Kenma! Oh, god, Kenma." Bokuto scooped him into a bone-crushing hug and he swore he heard something crack as he was spun around. "You're okay! You're-- Holy shit, oh my god." Bokuto was still spinning him around and clinging to him like his life depended on it while Kuroo closed the door and locked it again. Kenma was breathless by the time he was put down, still not looking Bokuto full in the face. He felt bad, he really did, and the look the ace gave Kuroo when he realized he'd been crying only made him feel worse. About everything.

Bokuto put a hand on each of Kenna's shoulders and bent down slightly so that their eyes lined up. "Kenma..." He glanced at Kuroo quickly. "What did you do?"

Kenma could feel himself sweating and he dropped his gaze to his feet, which still had shoes on them. He stepped out of them and kicked them towards the door without moving the rest of his body of opening his mouth to answer Bokuto. Kuroo's voice behind him made him start.

"He thought it would be a great plan to jump from a bridge a thousand feet up, and forgot to bring a parachute." He could feel Bokuto's eyes burning into the top of his head as he pretended the floor of the room was truly captivating. Wow, was the carpet always so interesting? Kenma didn't think so, or maybe he'd simply never found the time to notice each stained beige thread. They needed to get that cleaned, actually. Gross. He focused completely on the strand of black hair locked into the carpet and tuned out the way Bokuto was squeezing his shoulders tighter, trying to get Kenma to look up at him.

"Shit." Bokuto breathed. "I'm sorry."

"You don't need to be sorry."

"I don't know what else to say, Kenma. I'm sorry, I am, really." Bokuto hugged him again briefly. "Kuroo, what are you-- Why are you putting on your shoes? You just spent a lot of time out and about without them, what's...?"

Kuroo was swinging his key around his finger and shifting his weight between his feet. "I'm going out."

"At four?"

"I'll be back, I just need... Air. I need some air." He looked pointedly at Bokuto. "Watch him. Don't let him out of your sight, promise me."

"He's right here, Kuroo." Bokuto still had one arm draped across Kenma's shoulder. "Kenma, you're right here. I'm not talking about you in third person, see?"

"Sorry."

Kenma shrugged. "It's okay." He walked around the room to the couch and sat down, hugging a cushion to his chest. Kuroo left, and Bokuto sat in a chair near Kenma, rubbing at his eyes and yawning. Kenma felt himself being studied, but it wasn't harsh, wasn't criticizing. He raised his head a little so that he could look at Bokuto probably and found him squinting at him, which made the circles under his eyes much easier to see.

The ace wasn't used to staying awake until four, like Kenma was, and like Kuroo was just because of Kenma. Bokuto was the sort of person whose natural body clock sent him to dreamland at exactly quarter to twelve and woke him up exactly nine hours later. More often than not, he got a decent amount of sleep, which thankfully meant that more often than not, Bokuto counted as a lovely morning person. Tomorrow, he was going to be a demon. Kuroo would have to make a lot of extra breakfast and a lot of mugs of tea and Bokuto would still be crabby and it was all Kenma's fault.

He wanted to cry, but he found that he couldn't; he felt hollow as he looked back at Bokuto, who looked like he was thinking hard about something.

"Why did you do it, Kenma?" He leaned forward, resting his elbow on his knee and his chin in his hand. "I mean, you didn't do it, really, you're okay, but... I know it's a stupid question too. I just--" Bokuto cut himself off with a sigh. Kenma bit his lip and frowned.

"I just..."

"Actually, you know what? Forget it. You're gonna get grilled about it sooner or later. Better to hope for later, right?" Kenma watched Bokuto get up from the chair and crack his back. "Hey. Come here, you fucking scared me, for fuck's sake." Kenma put the cushion back on the couch and hugged Bokuto as the taller boy sat next to him.

"I'm sorry, Bokuto." 

"But you're okay. You're okay and you're gonna stay that way."

And Kenma decided that he would try to be, for him. For Kuroo. For the people who cared.

 

********


	3. Home

Kuroo was back in his car. He rolled down every window and just sat there in the driver's seat until he got cold, and that's when he started moving. The wind whipped through the still-open windows, and the chill just prompted Kuroo to drive faster, against the current of air. It took his mind off of everything else and kept him grounded, which was all he wanted right now. It was nearly forty minutes later when Kuroo pulled up next to a house and got out, yawning and shuffling down the driveway. There weren't any other vehicles parked at the house, so there was no telling whether anyone was home, or awake at this hour, but Kuroo had a decent amount of faith that at least one person would be there. A certain seventeen year old boy who was quite the literal night owl.

He raised a hand to knock but rang the doorbell instead, listening for footsteps inside. Not many the lights were on, but one flickered behind the curtains to Kuroo's left. He strained to hear the soft padding of feet approaching the door and stifled another yawn as it opened. He hadn't really expected that quick of a reaction; he hadn't quite collected his thoughts.

"It's early."

Kuroo nearly laughed at that, but the frown on the other boy's face was completely serious as he leaned against the side of the door, staring him down. Akaashi's eyelids looked heavy and his hair was ruffled a little but Kuroo could tell that he hadn't slept yet, because he was wearing a loose pair of jeans with a tiny smear of blue paint on one of the knees. He recognized them as Bokuto's, holding back a smirk.

"I mean late, it's late. You're awake. You're wearing real clothes and it's close to five."

Kuroo groaned and rubbed at his face. "Akaashi, I need coffee right now. Right this fucking instant."

The shorter boy stepped back and pulled Kuroo inside by his arm. "Coffee?"

"Yeah. Now. It's a literal emergency."

"Holy shit, okay." Akaashi locked his door and kicked Kuroo's shoe. "Take these off while I start some."

"I can make it myself, I just--"

"No, I've got it, sit down or something. You look like hell, and like you didn't brush your hair. That part's pretty normal, though. When was the last time... Do I have to get you another hairbrush for your birthday, Kuroo?"

Kuroo shot him a glare and sprawled out on Akaashi's couch. It was lumpy, and he couldn't get comfortable when he was so antsy, so he grabbed a decorative pillow and switched to lying on the ground, cushioning his head and staring at the wall. He hadn't brought a jacket with him, but it was always warm at Akaashi's. Sometimes too warm, because the heating was always on in the summer whether or not his friends liked it. In the summer they didn't have any slumber parties here, usually camping out in Kuroo's old basement, where Akaashi would complain about being freezing until Bokuto crawled into his sleeping bag. He'd shut up, then. Either because Bokuto was kissing him or because the ace was a human furnace.

The heat was welcomed in the winter, though, and during the cold nights of autumn or early spring. Akaashi's was an ideal place to spend snow days, looking out at the falling flakes with a steaming mug in your hand like somebody from a picture book. Kuroo remembered lying exactly where he was now, last year when Kenma had passed out on the couch before he could. He could always get to sleep here, like a bear going into hibernation. Kenma liked the heat. Kenma was always cold, always wearing a sweater when Kuroo was sweating in a tank top. Kuroo wished Kenma was here with him before remembering how hard it was to be around him right now, why he was here in the first place.

"Kuroo, I forget how you take your coffee."

He yawned. "Just throw some sugar in it, I don't care."

Akaashi came in and set a mug on the end table that was close to Kuroo's face. Stepping over him, he sat on the couch, and Kuroo thought he caught a sigh preceding his words. "What's going on, Kuroo?"

He didn't try to dodge the question. He'd showed up at quarter to five and demanded coffee and now he was lying on Akaashi's floor. It wasn't any secret that something was wrong, and now it was just a matter of how to phrase it. He wasn't going to dance around the issue, not with Fukurodani's new captain. The only thing was, Kuroo was surprised he didn't know already.

"Have you heard from Bokuto?" Kuroo sat up enough to take a sip from his mug before laying back down.

"... No? He should be halfway through his night's sleep, by now. Did something-- Kuroo, did something happen to Bokuto?" The tiniest hint of panic laced Akaashi's voice at the thought of his boyfriend getting in trouble. At least, Kuroo thought, Bokuo was okay. Bokuto was always more or less okay.

"He's fine."

"Did something happen to you, Kuroo? Are you alright?" Though he obviously wasn't alright, Akaashi was wrong again.

"Kenma." He heard Akaashi suck in a breath and hold it. "Kenma left me a suicide note."

If he'd had his own mug of coffee, Akaashi would have set it down slowly and sat up straight before saying "Ah." It was quiet, but there weren't any sounds throughout the rest of the house. Without the drink, it was a little less like a scene from a movie and a little more heavy, like a silence you can't bring yourself to break. Kuroo rolled over so that he could see the dark-haired setters face, and wasn't surprised to find it mostly blank, a bit shocked. As he watched, the other boy reached over and took a sip of Kuroo's coffee, scrunching up his face at the sweetness. Akaashi took his coffee black, like he took his tea. He coughed once. He blinked hard. He opened his mouth.

"Is he... Kuroo, don't tell me he--"

"I got him. He's home with Bokuto, now. He was just about to fall off of a bridge. On purpose." It was still a hard thing to say, and Kuroo's throat felt tight.

"God..." Akaashi whispered. "Fuck. Shit, Kuroo."

Kuroo sniffed and sat up, voicing something he'd kept to himself this entire time. "What did I do wrong, Akaashi?" He swallowed hard. "W-why wasn't I good enough?"

Sliding down to the floor, Akaashi hugged him softly. "Nothing, you didn't do anything wrong. Shh. It's not because of you, Kuroo, okay?" He rubbed the blocker's back as Kuroo fought back tears for the millionth time that night.

"Ak-kaashi, I-- Why couldn't I stop this? Why wasn't I good enough for him, Akaashi?" There was a pause, and Kuroo sobbed once. That was all he allowed himself. He'd cried more than enough, and he wasn't going to make Akaashi deal with that.

"You did stop it."

"What?"

"You did stop it. It sounds to me a lot like you saved him, and like nobody else came close." Akaashi was still hugging him. "It sounds to me like stopping it is exactly what you did. Kenma... He's not unhappy because of you. The only thing that's your fault if the fact that he's alive, so remember that when you start blaming yourself."

Kuroo pulled away and laid back down with the couch cushion as his pillow. "He shouldn't be unhappy in the first place. I don't know..." He yawned and rubbed his face into the cushion to get more comfortable. "I don't know what to do."

He felt Akaashi pat his shoulder. "Just sleep on it. Let yourself relax for a little bit before you go trying to help your boyfriend any."

It was sound advice, and it was also the last thing Kuroo heard before his eyelids closed and he fell into a deep slumber.

 

********

 

Glasses back on, Tsukushima Kei stared at Kageyama over the rim of a steaming cup of tea. Consequently, he had to take them off again because they got fogged up, but in this situation, it wasn't something that could be laughed at. He could make fun of Tsukishima all he wanted during practice, but now wasn't the time or the place to be picking a fight. Not only were they in his house, in his room, but it was five in the morning and everyone was tired and crabby and Kageyama didn't need another reason to feel lousy.

"So."

"So...?" Kageyama raised his eyebrows.

"So, are you going to tell me what's up?" Tsukishima didn't bother keeping the irritation out of his voice, even though he was nearly whispering. "You're lucky I'm the lightest sleeper in my family."

Tsukishima wasn't the only one who was staring at him. Hinata was beside him, looking at Kageyama like he would vanish if the spiker so much as blinked. Kageyama looked back at him and nodded. "Yeah, we are. I, um. Uh..."

"Wait." Tsukki got up and started for the door without a word, leaving and shutting it behind him. He didn't give any explanation. Kageyama turned on the orange-haired boy next to him.

"Why did you bring me here?" He hissed, and Hinata scooted away from him. "What made you think this would be a good place to take me? This is Tsukishima's house, Hinata!"

"Shh! I don't know! I just thought that--"

"Thought that what?"

"I don't know, maybe that he could help. I mean..." Hinata mumbled something and Kageyama leaned forward, straining to hear.

"What?"

"He's... He's smart. He's a jerk, but he might know what to do."

"What do you mean, 'what to do'?"

Hinata blanched. "Um, I..." He bit his lip and looked at the floor. "I don't know how I can help you. I don't know who else--"

"I don't need any help!" He was whispering, but just barely. Hinata looked around in a bit of a panic and brought a finger up to his lips.

"Hush! Don't wake everyone up, Kageyama! You do so need help!"

Kageyama didn't argue anymore, because Hinata was probably right. He probably had a big problem, and probably needed a large amount of assistance with it. But he was still partially numb, like when your fingers warm up enough to know that you're touching something, but not quite enough to know what it is. He didn't feel like he needed help. Now that he was away from the edge, he felt just fine. In fact, Kageyama thought that being alone was what he would prefer the most.

Tsukishima came back, holding two mugs by the handles in one of his hands and pushing the door open with the other. "Here," He said, setting them on the floor in front of them. "There's a little bit of sugar in both of them, but I didn't want to bother asking how you wanted it."

"Thank you." Hinata said quietly.

Kageyama inhaled the scent of mint before he picked up the mug, feeling the warmth in his palms. "Yeah, thanks."

As they sipped their tea, Tsukishima put his empty mug on his bedside table and sat down on his mattress. "You still haven't told me why you're here."

"You left the room when we were about to." Kageyama retorted, and Tsukishima clicked his tongue.

"Fine. Tell me what's going on here."

Kageyama looked to Hinata, who was blowing on his tea, and the smaller boy squinted. "What are you looking at me for? You're the one who did it!"

"I didn't--" He was going to say that he hadn't done anything. That wasn't right, though. He'd hurt Hinata; he'd hurt his best friend. That didn't count as nothing no matter how hard he tried to push it from his mind. "I don't..."

Tsukishima stuck his legs under the covers. "You don't wanna say it, is that it?"

"I guess."

There was a thunk as Hinata put down his tea. "Alright, okay. Kenma texted me while I was at camp."

"That's nothing new. He doesn't stop texting you, ever."

"He does! He gets busy!"

"Okay, keep it down. Then what happened?"

Hinata frowned and took another gulp of tea. "He was gonna jump off a bridge."

"Kenma?" Tsukki tilted his head to the side. "Well, I can't really say I'm surprised, he--"

"No, not Kenma! Kageyama. Kageyama was gonna jump off a bridge. Suga-san and Daichi-san drove me to get him."

"What?" Tsukishima's voice was deathly quiet, and the question was aimed at Kageyama.

The setter swallowed. "I wasn't really sure if I was really going to, really--"

"What the fuck." Still that horrible quiet.

Before, Hinata had yelled. Hinata had screamed and he'd cried and punched him and completely flipped his lid. Hinata had reacted so strongly it had forced Kageyama to feel it, too. Unabridged anguish had poured from him in waves, enough to drown Kageyama no matter how hard he tried to breathe. It had been awful. It had been borderline painful, and he'd hated every second in that car. At least, the ones when Hinata had been awake. Kageyama thought that he would have done it all again rather than deal with this. This calm, quiet disappointment. This still, everlasting silence that followed Tsukishima's words. More than anything, Kageyama felt... Judged wasn't the right word. He felt disgusting. Out of line. Like he'd had no right to be in that bridge in the first place. The more Tsukki just looked at him, the more Kageyama felt like he'd done something wrong, and like everyone's problems could be blamed on him and--

"Tsukishima," Hinata had shuffled over to the taller boy and had started sniffling again. Tsukki looked a bit grossed out, but his attention had shifted.

"What--"

"I can't m-make sure he's safe, Tsukishima!" He grabbed at the blocker's arm and while he pulled away, Tsukki's expression softened a little. "You need to help. Please will you help?"

"I..." 

"Please." 

Tsukishima looked back at Kageyama, his features still relaxed. Maybe it was because he was too tired to glare at him. They'd gotten along better in their second year, but they weren't close. They were better though. Better. Maybe he wasn't being judged as hard as it seemed, maybe he was just feeling some kind of butchered version of survivor's guilt. He was the only one in the equation in any danger, but the only one who didn't seem like he was really suffering. It wasn't like he wasn't hurting; he just wasn't hurting for the same reason. Everyone was upset that he'd been on that bridge. Kageyama didn't care about that. But he was upset that everyone was upset.

"Tsukishima."

Tsukki looked right into Kageyama's eyes when he opened his mouth. "Fine. Both of you had better get some sleep. We'll talk more tomorrow, okay?"

"Yeah."

Standing up, he dragged a sleeping bag out of his closet. "You guys take the bed."

"Thanks." Hinata and Kageyama said it in unison, crawling under the blankets. Exhaustion finally caught up to them, and they were both out in minutes.

Kageyama was in a safe place. This place... It was safe.

 

********

 

"I guess you're really depressed, and we never figured it out, huh."

"I... guess." Kenma shrugged. "I mean, not really?"

Bokuto raised one of his eyebrows and shot him a look that told Kenma he wasn't fooling anyone. "Your boyfriend saved you from falling to your death on purpose."

"It sounds like a big deal when you say it like that."

"Earth to Kozume Kenma, you're a big deal. And this is a big deal."

Kenma blew air out of his nose in a tiny sigh. He hated so much to be a burden on his friends, but he couldn't seem to be anything else these days. "You don't need to worry, I'm fine."

"That's not really how it works, Kenma."

"Hmm?" 

"You can't really just tell me not to worry about you after what happened. That isn't fair." Bokuto was more serious than Kenma had ever seen him. "There's plenty to worry about, if you think about it. You could be in terrible shock right now, and not saying anything about it. I could be worried about, say, what if you're hurt from getting pulled back from the edge? Kuroo's not the gentlest when he's freaking out. Or, what if you go back and try it again? What if-- I don't know. There's a lot." He didn't have anything to say to say. Bokuto was right. "Are you gonna do it again, Kenma? Warn me so I can keep an eye on your ass."

"No, I'm not gonna do it again." Kenma said softly.

"No?"

"No." Kenma brought his knees to his chest, pushing his cheek against his leg. "It was scarier than I thought, Bokuto. It was so much scarier." His heart sped up at the memory of falling, falling just for a moment before he'd been saved. That few seconds had lasted forever in his mind, as if time has slowed down like a crucial shot in a low budget action film. He was breathing shallowly and he wanted to close his eyes but he couldn't deal with reliving it like that.

"Hey, I'm sorry."

"Huh?"

Bokuto sighed. "Come on, I'll make you something to eat." He moved toward the kitchen as he spoke.

"I-I'm not really all that hungry, really." Kenma didn't want Bokuto treating him like a kid. He also didn't want him burning himself or cutting himself or passing out and smashing his head on the fan above the stove. Most importantly, Kenma didn't want to be an inconvenience. He knew that he was, though, on some level.

"You know, I hate to say this to you, but I don't particularly give a fuck if you want it or not. Or if you eat it. We're gonna have a meal."

"Alright, fine. What's on the menu?"

Bokuto opened the fridge and pulled out three pieces of sushi leftover from someone's lunch, rummaging through the cupboards before groaning. "Kuroo didn't go shopping last week, so there isn't much, um." There was a clattering of pots and pans and he drew a rather crushed package of ramen before digging through another cupboard with incredible determination. Eventually, Bokuto found an old box of crackers and put everything on the counter before shrugging. "I'm not gonna whip anything special up with vegetables and sauces, but I swear when I put this in dishes it'll look good."

"Yeah, I bet." At this point, it was best to humour him. "I'm sure it'll be great."

"Are you being sarcastic?"

"No, really..." Kenma smiled at him. "Thanks."

"Of course."

Leaning on the counter, Kenma felt a wave a nausea hit him as his elbow bumped a piece of paper with scribbled words on it. It was a bit of a poor excuse for a suicide note. He didn't want to look at it, he didn't want to think about it for a while, and he crumpled it before tossing it into the garbage. Bokuto looked up from his cooking at the movement but was only offered a shrug. He didn't have to explain himself.

Kenma sat at the kitchen table and put his head down, letting his hair hide most of his face and his arms hide the rest of it. He wasn't really tired, but he was exhausted physically, and he didn't want to stand up or do anything or even speak when he didn't need to. A short while ago he was convinced he didn't want to be alive. He wasn't sure how everything had turned out to be such a mess. If Kuroo had been just a few minutes later, everything would be over. If people didn't care about him so fucking much, it would have gone how it was supposed to, but here he was at a complete loss of what life was to him now.

Now, right now, it was just broken noodles and crackers, making his mouth dry. Just sitting in a chair across from Bokuto, who stared him down as they ate quietly.

"Hey, Kenma? Kuroo's-- He's really torn up over this, you know?"

"... Yeah."

Bokuto put his chopsticks on the table and rested his face in both of his hands. "I mean, when he came running out here... I thought he was having a heart attack, I honestly did. I really hope you apologized to your boyfriend, Kenma. You made him freak pretty bad."

He coughed. "Fuck, oh my god. I'm not sure." He could've sworn he did, but maybe... "I will. Even if I already have, I will."

Bokuto's phone rang and he grimaced. "Hello?" The frown was gone as quickly as it had come. "Akaashi? Yeah. Yes. I didn't want to wake you up! I know you're usually up but you shouldn't be and I didn't wanna take the chance. Shh, I'm sorry, Akaashi." His eyes were on Kenma, now. "I promise I'm okay, just-- No. Yeah, have you heard from him? Where is he? Asleep. At... your place. Okay."

"What's going on?" Kenma wiped a piece of rice for his cheek and furrowed his brow.

The ace was still on the phone. "Thanks, Akaashi." His words were starting to slur, his eyelids starting to drop. "Mhm, yeah, I promise I'll text you. Yes. Yes. Hey, I love you. No, not because it's half past five, because I love you! Goodnight." Bokuto sighed at squinted at Kenma.

"What?"

"Kuroo ended up crashing at Akaashi's. He's in rough shape but he's getting some rest. We should probably do that, too."

"... Maybe."

"You good to sleep on the couch or do you wanna share a bed?"

Kenma yawned and stood up from the table. "I could probably just sleep on the floor, I'm so tired."

"You're not gonna do that, idiot. You're either awake enough to walk to your room, or you can only make it to the living room. So?" Bokuto was standing now too, and he put his hands on his hips.

"Hmm..." He gathered up both their dishes and put them on the counter. "I can make it to my room."

"I'm not sure about me, honestly, but Kuroo is gonna kick my ass if I'm not with you."

"Bokuto, it's down the hall."

He paused. "True." They padded down the hall and both slipped under the blankets. Bokuto threw his arm over Kenma and soon, loud snores reached the setter's ears, but it was almost relaxing. The familiar sound beside him helped lull him to sleep despite the volume, and he synced his breathing to Bokuto's almost unconsciously. Kenma curled into a fetal position and sighed before closing his eyes. He wasn't sure what he would do now, living on what seemed like borrowed time. But he would take it day by day, for now. Hour by hour; by minute. Maybe he would make it through.

 

********


	4. Support

A cramp woke Kuroo from his slumber as sun shone through an open window and he wiped crusts from his eyes and dried drool from the corner of his mouth. He sat up and massaged his side until the pain dulled, rubbing at his eyes again while fighting a yawn. His breath tasted bitter in his mouth and Kuroo scrunched up his nose. Gross, like sour coffee.

Of course, that's exactly what the taste was, and he groaned as the night's events came back to him. He was still groggy though, and he leaned his head back onto the couch before jerking away when he hit something he hadn't expected to be in the way.

"That's my leg, dumbass."

Kuroo stifled a yawn. "Sorry, Aka--" He stood up suddenly, making the world spin for a moment, then sat down heavily next to Akaashi. "Where's Kenma?" He tried to keep the panic from his voice. It didn't work.

Akaashi just looked at him tiredly. "Shush, probably at your apartment, relax." He held a steaming mug I'm his hands that smelled a little bit like jasmine. "Good morning to you, too."

"'Probably' isn't going to cut it, Akaashi! I have to know if--"

"I'm sure he's fine."

That was wrong. Akaashi was probably wrong. Yeah, he was definitely wrong. There wasn't any way he could possibly be sure. Nothing was certain, right now. It was terrifying. He had no way of knowing what was going on, no way of knowing whether Kenma was okay or whether he was... Whether he was...

"How can you tell?"

"Kuroo. Listen, do you think Bokuto is sleeping right now?"

"I don't know, what time is it?"

Akaashi pointed at a clock on the wall that read 1:43. Almost two in the afternoon?

"Why didn't you wake me up?" Kuroo demanded.

"You've been through a lot for a night, you needed all the rest you could get. I would have woken you up if there was some sort of emergency, but I mean... There wasn't. Let's get back to my question."

He groaned. "Okay, no, I'd bet on Bokuto being wide awake, no matter how little sleep he got. Happy?"

"Now, do you think he's keeping an eye on Kenma?"

"Of course, but--"

"Do you think that if something were to happen, if he got hurt or went missing again, that he'd let at least one of us know?"

Kuroo crossed his arms in from of his chest. Akaashi did have a point, really, but he didn't want to admit he was wrong. He wanted to be right about something, for once, in the messy situation Kenma had gotten them into. He pointed out that Bokuto hadn't told Akaashi about Kenma in the first place, that Kuroo was the one to tell him at least a full few hours later, but Akaashi told him he'd phoned Bokuto as soon as Kuroo had fallen asleep. They'd gotten it cleared up.

"Fine, I still-- I have to get back to him. To them. I shouldn't have left Bokuto with him for the night without any sort of warning, that was a dick move." Kuroo thought about that for a minute. Really, he shouldn't have left in the first place. Should have been what his boyfriend needed and been strong and stayed for him instead of dumping him at home and running. He really hoped that Bokuto was doing alright.

"Theres no big hurry, Kuroo. You can stay for breakfast or something if you want."

"I really should go. Thanks for everything, though, and I--"

"Don't apologize. It's overwhelming, I get it, but you have to try and see his side of this if you want to help him. Oh, that reminds me," Akaashi walked into the kitchen and opened a cupboard above the stove. "Can you give something to Kenma for me? It's just a box of some tea he likes, my dad brought some back from Thailand and I'm not a fan. Actually... I think that's how Kenma found out he liked it. Because I didn't. Hmm." As he finished talking, he handed Kuroo the box, which had characters on it that the older boy couldn't read.

"What does it say?"

"Ah, I'm not sure. It's too fruity for me, though. Dad brought back a nicer one with cinnamon that I'm keeping. Tell Kenma if he wants it he has to come here and get it, okay?"

Kuroo nodded. "Sure."

"Oh, and Kuroo?" Akaashi grabbed his sleeve as he turned to walk away. "Take care of him."

"Of course."

 

He decided that he was glad Akaashi had let him sleep in when he started to drive, because if he was this tired now, he wouldn't have been able to navigate traffic if he'd been woken up even an hour before. Even now he had to remind himself that falling asleep at a red light would be a bad plan, and that pulling over to take a nap would completely ruin his back. It was actually ridiculous how much of a toll this had taken on him, and this was only so far. Kuroo kept telling himself that he couldn't feel so awful, not when nothing had happened to him, but it wasn't working anymore.

Kuroo's boyfriend, his best friend, the boy he grew up with and loved more than anything, had tried to commit suicide, and it had hit Kuroo like a ton of bricks. Kenma hadn't ever hidden even his saddest moments from him before, hadn't ever bottled up his tears or anything like that. He'd seen the setter cry plenty of times, and to think that we're so many other times that he missed... Times he missed because Kenma didn't want him to know?

Kuroo couldn't stand that. Kuroo couldn't stand that Kenma seemed to think that he was such a nuisance and a bother every time he wasn't smiling. He couldn't stand that Kenma wouldn't accept how much Kuroo loved him. Or couldn't, maybe. It wasn't a question of whether Kenma loved Kuroo, it was never a question of that, but Kuroo felt like Kenma didn't feel how much he was cared for. It wasn't an instant cure for how he was feeling, but if he could just see how important he was and how much he meant to everyone, it might encourage him to stay, and to try and enjoy it. To try and be happy. All Kuroo wanted for Kenma was for him to be happy again, like when they were nine and Kuroo's mother was gardening and Kenma had thrown a worm at his best friend and he'd laughed. 

That had been so stupid, but Kuroo had laughed too.

He'd never been the most lively, but Kenma used to be happy. Kuroo used to be able to convince him to play in the snow or bake something or go to the fair, as long as Kuroo paid for all his tickets. He'd always done more than get tickets, had always bought him a day pass bracelet even though he knew Kenma would only go on about three rides. Truthfully, Kenma didn't like getting dizzy or scared, but he came with Kuroo anyways, and waved at him from the ground just before a ride would start spinning and Kuroo would lose sight of his friend.

It was Kenma that always made Kuroo's stomach flip the most.

It was Kenma that got his heart beating faster, more than the thrill of the cheap fair rides.

 

The door wasn't locked when Kuroo got home, and he pushed it open with a tiny frown. He hadn't locked it behind him in his hurry to leave, but someone usually remembered to lock it before they went to sleep. Of course, nobody was at their best last night, and he couldn't complain too much about the apartment being left open when they were probably-- definitely fine. They were definitely fine.

Yep. Bokuto was watching some cartoon quietly, but he looked behind him when he heard the door close. "Kuroo! There's still no food."

"Yeah, I bet there is."

"I don't want any of it though!" Bokuto whined, and Kuroo glared at him before turning around to kick his shoes off.

"Where's Kenma?"

"Sleeping. Don't you dare wake him up, Kuroo."

Kuroo threw his hands up in defense. "I wasn't going to! I was just wondering."

A door opening and a quiet shuffle of feet caught both their attention and a yawning Kenma came around the corner, rubbing his eyes. "Guess I stand corrected, there he is." Bokuto said to Kuroo.

Kuroo rushed to him and pulled him close, flooded with relief just to see him alright. "Kenma. Kenma, hey."

"Kuroo--"

"Hey, come here."

He leaned down and tilted Kenna's head to look at him before pressing their lips together. Kenna's arms moved around Kuroo's neck almost out of instinct as he stood on his toes to push back, humming quietly. The kiss had a feel of urgency, though it was gentle, and Kenma made a small sound in the back of his throat when Kuroo pulled away to speak. "I love you." He kissed him again quickly. "God, Kenma, I love you so much."

A hiccup came from the shorter boy, and Kuroo felt his shirt dampen when Kenma smushed his face into his chest. "I'm sorry, Kuroo."

"Shh, it's-- Just promise me you won't do it again."

"I promise. I promise, I'm so sorry."

"Just kiss me right now Kenma, I thought--" He kissed the corner of Kenma's mouth a bit messily. "I thought I'd never get to kiss you again. I thought--"

Kenma's hands travelled up into his hair and he leaned up to cut him off with his own mouth. "Idiot." He whispered. "You can kiss me all you want to."

When Bokuto made a fake retching sound, Kuroo pulled Kenma down the hallway he'd come from and back into his room. He'd missed his boyfriend more than he'd realized.

 

********

 

Kageyama wasn't sure where he was for a moment, his eyes opening to an unfamiliar room with an unfamiliar view out the window. Sunlight streamed in and splashed across a clean floor and furniture with empty, surfaces. The mess of blankets he was under felt out of place in the orderly room, and Kageyama was a little unsettled.

Beside him, Hinata was drooling and his hair looked like you would expect it to if you'd thrown the spiker directly into a windstorm. Maybe a tornado. Kageyama felt less like the odd one out, looking at how disheveled Hinata was, until he remembered that they were in the Tsukishima household. They were both very much the odd ones out, here. Kageyama groaned softly and raised a hand up to feel how messed up his own hair was. After feeling how many knots had appeared overnight (he always slept restlessly the first night he spent somewhere), he didn't want to see it, trying to comb a few tangles out with his fingers.

He was about to survey the room more carefully, but what he ended up focusing on was a pair of eyes looking directly at him. Tsukishima Kei had another mug, which he was resting in his lap, and his glasses lay beside him on the edge of his sleeping bag. His hair wasn't as much of a mess as the other second years, being so much shorter, but some of it was sticking straight up, combating the stoic look on his face. He didn't break eye contact when Kageyama caught him staring, didn't even blink.

"What's your problem?"

Tsukki sighed and raised one of his eyebrows. "What the fuck, Kageyama."

"Excuse me?"

"I said, what the fuck? You're an idiot, your majesty." Since he was sitting up, Tsukishima's sleeping bag was bunched up around his hips, and he unzipped it to wiggle the rest of the way out. He put on his glasses, took them off to clean the lenses, put them back on, and resumed giving Kageyama a look that wasn't quite a glare. He stood up when it became apparent that the setter didn't have anything to say back to him, perching on the edge of the bed and scratching the back of his head.

"Look at Hinata right now. Is this what you want for him?" Tsukki pointed at the smaller boy for emphasis. He had always been a fitful sleeper, as far as Kageyama knew, but he always got just as much rest as everybody else. Sometimes more, if you let him. But right now, with his eyes still puffy and his nose running a little bit, with clear tracks still visible from his tears, Hinata looked terrible. His breath wheezed out slowly, his neck in an optimal position for snoring, and he frowned in his sleep while muttering something to himself. Hinata almost never talked in his sleep, and Kageyama nearly winced when he heard a few broken syllables of his name. He didn't need to ask Tsukishima what he meant, just like Tsukishima knew what his answer was already.

He didn't want Hinata to feel miserable. He opened his mouth to say so, but Tsukki beat him to it.

"You don't; of course you don't. I know that."

"So why did you ask me?"

Tsukishima ignored him. "You know how I know? Because I don't even want this for him. Do you know how much he pisses me off, Kageyama? And I still hate to see him so fucked up over this. See what I mean?"

"I'm sorry." Kageyama murmured.

"Hey, you didn't do anything to me. I don't mean to say that I don't care, or anything, I'm just a little removed from the situation. I... I can't get hurt as bad as he can. Ah," Tsukki cleared his throat. "I mean, no matter how you look at it, I'm not the one you've got to worry about."

"... Yeah."

"Look, it's easier to hurt people than you realize, because you especially tend to only pay attention to yourself. But you have to get over this. I can't take how upset Hinata is, and you're the one who's best friends with him. The more miserable he is, the more miserable you'll be, and vice versa. You'll destroy yourselves."

"You know, Tsukishima, just getting over it like that isn't as easy as you're trying to make it seem."

"I know that!" The venom in his voice was surprising, and the sincerity of the glare Kageyama was shot nearly made him flinch. "You're not the only one who feels like shit, Kageyama. Everybody has stuff to deal with and everybody has people that get hurt because of it but everybody still has to deal!" Tsukki inhaled deeply through his nose and closed his eyes. "If you knew how close I came to-- I mean--"

"Tsukishima..."

"I-- But, Yamaguchi." He choked out. "He helps, I've got support from my best friend, and you... You could, too. Let him help you." He stood up and picked his empty mug off of his sleeping bag. "Listen... No, forget it. Don't kill yourself while I get more tea, alright?"

Tsukishima didn't wait for his answer. More than anything, Kageyama was confused, but he knew that whatever had just slipped out, Tsukki hadn't meant to tell him that. It wasn't something he was supposed to know. He should probably just try to forget it, but the blocker's words swirled around in his mind. Kageyama actually found himself worrying about what kind of trouble Tsukishima could be in that he'd ask for help, or need it in the first place. Came close to what? Of course, he could guess, but he really didn't want to think that anyone else he knew had been snatched off the edge of a bridge, or anything of the sort.

Instead, scooting father under the blankets, he tried to think about Hinata. Kageyama knew that he'd hurt him, but he didn't know how to fix it, and that was frustrating. He thought about what Tsukishima said, about letting Hinata help him, but he wasn't sure how he would do that, either. It seemed like he couldn't do anything right, when it came to his friends. Kageyama draped an arm over Hinata and moved closer to him until he could tuck the top of the decoy's head under his chin. Before he could figure out how to let Hinata help him, he had to help Hinata.

Hinata was more upset.

Hinata was more important.

Hinata was Kageyama's best friend.

He lets his eyelids droop and felt himself drifting off, not registering when Tsukki came back in, not registering any words he might be saying. Kageyama just let himself go back to sleep, hoping for happier dreams than he'd been getting.

 

********

 

That night, Kenma was grateful that it took so much effort to warm him up. His forehead was pressed into Kuroo's chest and Kuroo's arms held him close by his waist, like always. Kenma could hear Kuroo's heartbeat and feel it against his head, and subconsciously his breathing slowed to match his boyfriend's as he tried to sleep. Their legs were tangled together and the fabric of Kuroo's pyjamas brushed against Kenma's bare skin whenever he shifted. Bokuto had an arm slung across Kenma's shoulder, and was snoring softly into the setter's hair while he slept. The warmth of the ace's torso could be felt even through both their shirts, and while he did like his personal space, Kenma thought this was fine.

Cozy and being snuggled by both of his roommates, it didn't even bother him that Bokuto's snoring was keeping him awake. He could be awake like this, hands curled in Kuroo's shirt and back stealing heat from Bokuto. Bokuto didn't need it; he was sleeping, and also the warmest person Kenma had ever met. The downside to this position was the fact that when he sat up, everybody noticed.

"Mmh, what's up?"

"Shush, Kuroo, I just need to use the bathroom."

Kuroo groaned and sat up, moving so that Kenma could slide onto the floor without further disturbing Bokuto. What he wasn't expecting was for Kuroo to get up and follow him out of the room, failing to stifle a yawn.

"What are you gonna do, stand outside and wait for me?"

Kuroo leaned against the wall. "Unless you'd rather I come in with you."

"No, don't do that. Don't wait outside, either, it's embarrassing." He tried to sound rational but ended up sounding a bit like he was five years old.

"Kenma, for starters, me waiting outside the bathroom is in no way to most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to us. I'd list a few, but I'm tired and I want you to hurry up and get in the bathroom, okay?" Kuroo yawned again, not bothering to try and hide it this time. "If it makes you feel that shy, turn the tap on or something."

"Ugh."

Kenma shut the bathroom door after sticking his tongue out at Kuroo and quickly relieved himself (he really did end up turning on the tap) before stopping to look at himself in the mirror. Yeah, there he was. His hair was flattened on the left side but stuck up a little bit near the top, and although there were bags under his eyes, he didn't have any visible dark circles. Yet. His eyelids looked heavy, like he was straining to keep them open. Everything felt pretty heavy, really, and Kenma let his eyes closed for a second.

He sighed, let the weight on his shoulders float away, for just a second. But then there was a knock on the door, and it all came crashing back down as Kuroo's voice reached him.

"Hey, you alright?"

"Yeah. Fine." Kenma opened the bathroom door and glared at Kuroo. He was tired. He just wanted to go back to bed.

"Thought you fell asleep on the toilet or something."

"Obviously, you were wrong."

Kuroo grinned. "Was I?"

Kenma didn't answer him, only led him back down the hallway by the hand and avoided looking at the smirk that was definitely on his face. Crawling back under the blankets again but not laying down again, he leaned against the headboard and clicked his tongue when Kuroo rested his head in Kenma's lap. His lips moved against Kenma's thigh as he spoke, and the shorter boy had to hold back a laugh. Kenma was horribly ticklish, and Kuroo knew it.

"Not sleepy?"

He patted Kuroo's hair. "I just want to grab a glass of water." But Kuroo didn't budge. "Move your head, dummy."

"Don't wanna."

"I'm thirsty, let me up." A tired hum answered him. "Kuroo!"

"I'll get it." Bokuto threw the blankets off of himself and rubbed his eyes. "Gimme a sec."

Kenma shoved at Kuroo's head again, opening his mouth to protest. "You don't have to do that, Bokuto, I can--"

"I don't think Kuroo is moving anytime soon. He's probably actually asleep by now."

"I am not!" Kuroo's breath was hot against Kenma's leg.

Kenma poked him. "Pass me my phone, then? Thanks."

Because of the way his neck was angled, Kuroo started snoring when he fell asleep, and Kenma ruffled his hair while he tapped at his screen. It wasn't as loud as Bokuto's, but it was just as obnoxious. Kenma rolled his eyes and pinched his boyfriend's nose, which made him move his head to the side a little and quiet down. In his sleep, Kuroo had moved closer to cuddle Kenma's legs, warm arms wrapped around his bare knees and a leg hooked around one of Kenma's ankles.

Bokuto returned with water, and set it on the bedside table after Kenma had taken a drink. He pushed his back up against the side of Kenma's leg and whispered "Goodnight," leaving Kenma sitting up and wide awake.

"Goodnight, Bokuto." He sighed and looked at his phone, typing out a message with his thumb while his other hand still rested on top of Kuroo's hair.

To: Akaashi Keiji. 'It's like I'm seven again Akaashi I'm being treated like a child.'

He didn't even turn his screen off before he got a response.

From: Akaashi Keiji. 'That's what you get when you make them worry. I haven't heard from you in ages, Kenma.'

That was true. He'd been avoiding Akaashi in case he tried to confront him, because he knew it would happen. He didn't want another person freaking out about him, and if Akaashi was, Kenma didn't want to know about it.

To: Akaashi Keiji. 'I'm sorry.'

To: Akaashi Keiji. 'I didn't know what to say.'

Bokuto snored next to him and he winced a little. He'd pinch his nose next, if he didn't stop.

From: Akaashi Keiji. 'It happens. It happens to a lot of people, Kenma. And that's alright, but you have to move forward from it.'

To: Akaashi Keiji. 'Aren't you upset?'

That sounded too much like Kenma was begging for attention. Stupid, he thought, that was a stupid thing to send.

From: Akaashi Keiji. 'Well, sure. But here's the thing.'

From: Akaashi Keiji. 'I don't believe that you wanna die, Kenma. I think you just needed people to know how much you really need them.'

From: Akaashi Keiji. 'Now they know.'

Shit. Akaashi was right, of course. Of course Akaashi would be right even when Kenma hadn't seen him or called him or texted him for so long. Of course he knew what was up even without talking about it with Kenma at all. Akaashi could tell even without contact with him that he felt terrible calling it an attempt at suicide. Because that was never what he wanted, really. No matter what he thought at the time, his reason for being on that bridge was... Well, calling a cry for help sounded cliché, but really, help is what he wanted.

From: Akaashi Keiji. 'If I thought you were any danger to yourself still I'd be the first to call in a brain doctor, okay? But I think you've figured out what you need.'

To: Akaashi Keiji. 'Thanks Akaashi, I'm going to sleep, goodnight.'

He didn't check the reply when his phone buzzed again, since it was probably an answering goodnight. Kenma disentangled himself from Kuroo's grasp (with some effort) before laying down on his back and closing his eyes. He knew Kuroo would move closer in his sleep until he was almost suffocating him, no matter where he was shoved before he drifted off. Kenma didn't mind. He did love him, after all.

"Goodnight, Kuroo." He murmured. "I'll see you tomorrow."

He gave in to tiredness, and slept. Kuroo would be here when he woke up.

 

********

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my talents include  
> •excessive use of the word 'hey'  
> •everyone sleeping  
> •inconsistency  
> I'm so glad people are enjoying this though thank you


	5. Better or Worse

Kuroo woke up with his head on Kenma's chest, feeling him breathe slowly under him. He... Hadn't he fallen asleep on his legs? Of course, Kenma would have moved him eventually. Kuroo was just a little slow in the mornings, of course Kenma wouldn't have stayed up just because Kuroo was in the way.

Bokuto was already gone. He had some class in the morning today, if Kuroo remembered right. Stepping onto the floor, He tucked the blankets up near Kenma's chin and pressed his lips gently to his forehead before walking into the kitchen. He started the coffee machine and leaned against the counter, scratching the back of his head where his hair was sticking up funny. Soon, coffee was ready, and he poured some into a mug before adding sugar and stirring it in with a chopstick.

Kenma had seemed better, yesterday, but he couldn't be fine again overnight. He wasn't sure what to expect from him this morning, but he'd do whatever he could to make it a good day. He finished his coffee and filled his mug up again, then took another from the cupboard and filled it, too. He stirred two spoonfuls of sugar and a splash of milk into the second mug and took them both into his bedroom, pushing the door open with his foot.

"Kenma." He sat on the edge of the mattress and smoothed Kenma's hair off of his forehead. "Wake up." Kuroo gently shook the setter's shoulder, and grinned when Kenma let out a groan and tried to pull the covers over his head. "Oh, no you don't." Kuroo poked at Kenma's side after making sure both coffee mugs were out of the range of Kenma's thrashing.

"Quit it, Kuroo!" He was trying not to giggle even as Kenma pushed at him, gasping.

"Get up, Kenm-- Oof!"

"Don't poke me, you know I'm ticklish, you idiot!"

Kuroo laughed. "Time to get up, come on. I made coffee." Kenma stilled and Kuroo grabbed his mug, raising his eyebrows. "Sit up and you can drink it."

"Kuroo!"

"Come on, sleepyhead."

The smaller boy sat up and whacked his head into Kuroo's lightly, stealing the mug away from him and scowling. "I hate you."

Kuroo pretended to be hurt. "I though you loved me."

"I can do both."

"What? No you can't! That isn't fair at all!" That got him a laugh, and also a quick kiss.

"Thanks for the coffee."

"I... Yeah, of course."

Kenma snorted. "Are you blushing? Kuroo, are you actually-- Look at me!"

He didn't look at his boyfriend because he very much was blushing. "I'm not!"

"Yeah you are!"

"No, I'm not."

"You so are." Kenma flashed him a grin and leaned forward to kiss Kuroo's cheek. "See? You're all pink."

"Fine, you win."

"Yes! I knew it!"

Kuroo scoffed. "Shut up."

Kenma was about to say "Make me." Kuroo could tell that he was definitely about to say that so he stopped him with a kiss, laughing into Kenma's mouth when he made a strangled sort of noise.

"Don't make me spill my coffee!"

Kenma's solution was to put the coffee down before moving closer to Kuroo, humming softly. His hands moved over Kuroo's still-bare chest and came to stop on each of his shoulders. For a moment, Kenma just looked at him, wet lips parted slightly and twisting into a small smile. Then Kuroo was pulling him closer by the small of his back and digging his thumbs gently into Kenma's hips. Kenma exhaled loudly before grabbing Kuroo's face and crushing their lips together sloppily. He smiled against the kiss and opened his mouth against Kenma's, sliding their tongues together and moaning when the shorter boy shifted even closer, the blankets around his knees. Kuroo pushed them away and Kenma climbed into his lap, straddling him.

"Kuroo..."

"Mhm?"

"Can we... Um, could we not do this right now?" He leaned his head against Kuroo's shoulder, his next words muffled. "I'm tired."

"Of course. Hey, it's all right."

After years of being together, years of Kenma being tired, not being in the mood, he still sounded guilty asking to stop. He didn't need to. Kenma didn't need to whisper a thanks and kiss him, long and chaste, before he yawned and opened his drawers to find a pair of sweats. Kuroo didn't need anything from him like that, not if he didn't want to give it.

"Kenma?"

Kenma leaned over him to grab his coffee. "Yes."

"It's fine." When Kenma raised an eyebrow and gave him a quizzical look, Kuroo swallowed. "That you're tired? It's fine. It's always fine."

Kenma froze. "I-- I know that."

"No, I mean it. It's fine."

The setter drained his mug quickly, promising to be right back once he took the mug to the kitchen. He was, too, and he sat next to Kuroo, who hadn't moved. "I'm sorry I can't be everything you want, Kuroo. I'm sorry."

What?

"Kenma, you are."

"I'm sorry I'm n-not good enough. I shouldn't have made you worry. I shouldn't have needed you to come get me. I never should have--"

"Shh, listen to me." Kuroo ran a hand through Kenma's hair and sighed. Kenma wouldn't look at him, but he could see tears falling into his lap and creating tiny wet circles on his thighs. "Are you listening?" A nod. "You're everything, Kenma. Don't shake your head like that, you're perfect just how you are. Look at me." Kenma looked at him. "Waking you up with coffee, getting punched because you're so ticklish you can't control your limbs, falling asleep on your chest-- Kenma, I thought I'd never get to do any of these thing with you ever again."

"I'm s--"

"Don't. Don't be sorry. Because it's enough that I still can. Because its enough that you're still here. It's enough that you're here and you're being strong. I love you, you've always been enough."

Kenma sniffed. "What about when that changes, Kuroo?"

"It's not going to. It's never going to. There's nothing you could do to stop yourself from being good enough for me." He took a deep breath. "I know you're hurting. You don't have to try and hide it from me."

"But I--"

"You don't ever need to hide from me, Kenma." Kuroo felt Kenma lean heavily against him and put an arm around his shoulders.

"I don't w-want to." He was holding back a sob. "I want you to know, I want to be able to t-tell you how much I'm hurting, Kuroo, but there's just so much." He took a shaky breath in. "There's too much."

"Let me carry some of the weight, Kenma. Let me help. I just want to help."

And he did, really he did. He just wanted Kenma to be happy again.

 

********

 

Kageyama was sure he was being shaken awake, probably by Tsukishima, and he snapped open his eyes completely ready to be angry. He didn't have any good reason, but boy oh boy was he ready. His first yell was on the tip of his tongue, only held back by the fact that he couldn't actually see Tsukishima anywhere yet. He'd expected him to be right in front of him, but... even after moving his head to that he could see more of the room, Tsukki was nowhere to he found.

The shaking was still there, though, and Kageyama rolled onto his other side to investigate, still ready to let loose the anger he was about to unleash on Tsukishima. Even if it hadn't been the blond blocker who'd woken him up, he'd still been woken up, and he really didn't want to be awake. Unfortunately, any trace of sleepiness was pushed to the back of his mind when he saw what was really causing the bed to shake.

Hinata. Hinata was sitting up, albeit hunched over, and his face was covered by both of his hands, teardrops sliding down his arms, a few falling from his elbows onto the comforter. He was hardly making a sound, was obviously doing his very best not to sniff or cough noisily, but his chest heaved violently and his entire body shook with silent sobs. Hinata's knees were pulled about halfway up to his chest and his hair was still a mess and it was pathetic. It was pathetic and Kageyama felt so fucking bad.

He scooted over and wrapped his arms around Hinata's stomach, bumping his head against his side. Hinata jerked away from Kageyama in surprise before he seemed to let himself go, sobbing louder, taking in more desperate breaths.

"Hinata, don't." Kageyama breathed. "What's wrong?" He could guess what was wrong. Kageyama was sure he knew was what was wrong, but he asked anyways. The boy beside him just wept. "Hinata..." Please, he wanted to say. Please tell me. But he had a terrible feeling that it was his fault.

"I'm s-so scared for you, Kageyama!" Hinata choked out, and Kageyama tightened his arms just a bit around the spiker. "I don't know h-h-h--" He gasped and sobbed again. "How to keep you s-safe; I can't do anything. I don't know wh-what to d-do."

"Hina--"

"I'm sorry, Kageyama. I'm sorry." It was heartbreaking, the way Hinata's voice broke, and Kageyama reached up to pull a hand from the other boy's face.

"Don't--" He started, then he stopped. He had been about to tell Hinata not to worry. But if he was being truthful, Hinata had every reason to worry, because Kageyama wasn't sure how safe he was. He hadn't even really felt unsafe in the first place until he'd looked over the edge of that bridge and seen nothing. Just blackness. Hinata should worry, at least a little, because Kageyama didn't know what a good cause for worry was anymore. And even when he knew he should worry, he didn't. Kageyama didn't care enough about himself anymore. So he didn't tell Hinata not to worry.

"Kageyama." Hinata's eyes were shut tightly. "Kageyama, I'm so scared. I w-want you to stay."

"Shh, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere, just breathe."

But his breathing was erratic and Kageyama felt him hiccup as he tried to calm down. He really was destroying Hinata. Kageyama found himself blinking back tears of his own, squeezing Hinata briefly to show him, once again, that he was right there. This wasn't fair, other people weren't supposed to be hurt just because Kageyama was. Nobody was supposed to care.

Kageyama still didn't know where Tsukishima was, and he sat up to look around the room, letting go of Hinata as he did so. He'd crawled back into his sleeping bag on the floor and fallen asleep with his glasses on. Now, they were askew and the way they poked the side of his face looked a little painful. Honestly? Kageyama was surprised Tsukishima hadn't been woken up by Hinata, especially since he was such a light sleeper. He had to be really tired, staying out cold like that.

Without any warning, the bedroom door opened, a hooded figure stepping inside. They didn't make a sound, and Kageyama wouldn't have noticed them at all if he hadn't been looking. As he watched, the visitor took off their hoodie, revealing a mop of messy brown hair and a splash of freckles across his cheeks and nose. Yamaguchi Tadashi yawned as he stepped farther into the room and looked around, surprise lighting up his features.

"Um..." Yamaguchi frowned and scratched the back of his head, shifting his weight between his feet nervously. His eyes fell on Tsukishima, flashed to Kageyama and then back to the boy on the floor. Finally, his gaze rested on Hinata, and his mouth fell open a little.

"What are you...?" Kageyama started. He couldn't just ask what he was doing here, at the house of his best friend. But it was a funny time to show up, unannounced, when no other sounds had been heard through the house all morning.

"I, ahh, I've got a key." The pinch server blushed and showed them the referenced key. "For emergencies, but--" He put it back into his pocket. "Uhh..." Hinata was sniffling and wiping his nose on the back of his hand, fidgeting a little when the awkward silence stretched on. Kageyama squinted at Yamaguchi as the other boy's eyes moved back to him, and he bit his bottom lip. "I heard."

That was all he needed to say. Hinata launched himself off of the bed suddenly and stumbled into Yamaguchi, throwing his arms around the taller boy with a sob. "Yamaguchi, you have to help." It took a moment for Yamaguchi to recover from the shock enough to embrace Hinata, and when he did, he looked over the decoy's head to give Kageyama an almost apologetic look. Hinata clung to him and Yamaguchi whispered comforts into his hair and rubbed his back and Kageyama swallowed hard. Hinata used to run to him like that, when he was upset and he needed someone. It used to be Kageyama that he needed, that he cried to.

Now, however, Kageyama was just the reason Hinata needed someone. A soft buzz filled his ears and drowned out the rest of the sounds in the room. He let his eyes glaze over slightly and when he blinked, he barely kept back a tear. Kageyama was the problem. Kageyama was the reason Hinata was crying. It wasn't Kageyama's shoulder he was crying into, wasn't Kageyama's arms around him as he sobbed. All Kageyama had done was make him upset. All he'd done was hurt him.

He was dimly aware that Yamaguchi was waking up Tsukishima and that there was a hand at his shoulder and a voice in his ear but he pushed them away. Kageyama didn't want to hurt anyone else. He felt empty, hollow. His numbness was returning and even though he was turning back into stone he still felt awful. It was the only thing he could feel. The rest of the world seemed so far away, and he closed his eyes tightly, pushing it even further from his thoughts.

He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. He was sure, though, that he couldn't have done either even if he'd tried. And it was this kind of feeling that made Kageyama truly hate being alive.

 

********

 

House arrest. Kenma was literally under house arrest, by order of his doting, totally overprotective friends. Since they lived with him, they had no trouble policing him unless they were at their classes. Unfortunately for Kenma, their timetables didn't overlap much, so at least one of them was always around to keep an eye on him, whether or not he wanted them to. He wasn't allowed to be by himself, either. Kuroo and Bokuto watched him closely even when he poured himself a bowl of cereal or moved to sit on the couch.

In fact, he wasn't allowed to be alone in the apartment at all. Try as they might to be around 24/7, Kenma's roommates did have a few classes together, and Kenma had naively thought that he'd get a few hours a week alone. To take a bath or take up the entire bed when he napped or maybe find a nature documentary on TV that Bokuto would never be able to sit still through. He'd figured they had to leave him sometimes. Nobody was really that well organized, especially not Kuroo and Bokuto.

He'd been wrong. They'd actually called in Akaashi to babysit him when they were both at the college, and at the beginning, Kenma didn't think there was anything worse they could have done. He didn't want to be forced to face the other setter when he wasn't ready, didn't want to come up with conversation or small talk topics. It had never been a problem before, but now? It felt like Kenma had a lot to make up for. It would be different, he'd thought.

But he'd been wrong again.

They'd talked a little, but it became evident that they didn't really have to, and Kenma had turned on a documentary about tropical rainforest birds, resting his legs on Akaashi. Akaashi could sit still. Akaashi could even enjoy it, sometimes offering a fact about a toucan or something that the narrator hadn't mentioned. It was nice. Akaashi was much more relaxed, and it turned out he could take a bath without much disturbance, could get a glass of water without Akaashi turning around on the couch to make sure he wasn't doing anything dangerous.

Aside from the rainforest documentary, they'd also watched one on whales, one entirely focused on chameleons, and one about polar bears and melting icebergs. He liked the one about chameleons the most, while Akaashi said that he liked the humpback whales best.

But Akaashi was busy today. Kuroo was home, but had to go out, and for a minute, just a minute, Kenma thought he'd be left to himself. Being wrong was just his thing, lately.

"Put on your shoes, Kenma, we've gotta head out really soon."

"I thought I wasn't supposed to leave the apartment." Kenma was still wearing just a shirt and a pair of cotton shorts, and was more concerned with keeping his hair out of his cereal than what his boyfriend had to say. He was tired. He needed to wash his hair.

Kuroo sighed. "It's more important that there's someone with you. You just... I just don't want you getting hurt. By yourself, I mean."

"So I can get hurt as long as there's someone around? Nice."

"That's not what I--"

"And I can go out if I have someone with me? Well, that would have been nice to know a while ago, wouldn't it?"

"Kenma..."

"It's fine. I don't care. Where are we going?"

"The store," Kuroo answered. "I can't stand another minute of complaining from Bokuto about having no food, and I've got enough money to go grocery shopping now."

Kenma twirled a lock of hair around his finger. "Can I shower first?"

"No."

"Ugh."

He went and got changed quickly. Stepping into his shoes and out the door, he felt Kuroo interlock their fingers after the door was locked, and the started toward the car. Even at the store, Kuroo dragged him around, not letting go of his hand even once. He made Kenma hold the basket because of it, and threw a loaf of bead into it with his free hand. It should have been horribly embarrassing, more so because everyone was looking at him. At them, together. His face was flushing, but not because people were staring.

Kuroo held onto him tightly. He seemed like he was distracted, trying to remember what kind of apples Bokuto wouldn't eat, which aisle the good cereals were in. But every now and then he would squeeze Kenma's hand without even realizing it, like he was making sure Kenma was still there, still holding his hand, too. He thought the attention was sort of nice. Kuroo knew how easy it was for Kenma to be mortified by public affection and usually (sensibly) kept it to a modest minimum.

Now it didn't matter. Now he just needed Kenma close, no matter how much he might resent it. However, for the first time in a long time, Kenma... kind of enjoyed it.

"Kenma, are we out of-- Kenma? Hello, Kenma. Kozume Kenma."

"Hmm? Sorry!"

"Do we need milk again?" Kuroo was frowning at him.

He shrugged. "I don't think so."

"Then we're done here. Let's pay for this and go home."

Kenma nodded and led the way to the cashiers, reluctantly taking his hand back to unload their basket while Kuroo took out his wallet. The taller boy smiled and made small talk with their male cashier, commenting on the weather before and took out his credit card to pay for the food. After that, both of them carried the grocery bags to the car, so he couldn't take Kuroo's hand again. Or while he was driving. Or even taking the groceries from the car, into the apartment.

Once they were inside, Kenma slid his shoes off and, with some effort, grabbed the bags from Kuroo's hands and heaved them onto the kitchen table. Kuroo still had his boots on, was still hanging the apartment key back on its hook. "Um, thanks?"

Kenma walked back over to him and put his hands on Kuroo's chest, trying to get himself noticed. Not that he really had to try. Just taking the groceries from his boyfriend had earned Kenma Kuroo's full attention, from when he dropped them on the table to when he padded back. He pushed Kuroo lightly and was surprised when the blocker backed against the wall without any hesitation, pulling Kenma closer by the fingers he hooked into his belt loops.

"Kuroo," He said breathlessly. "Kiss me?" Kuroo did. He pulled the setter even closer until their hips met and moved one of his hands to cup Kenma's jaw almost delicately. He almost giggled at the lightness of the touch but Kuroo's mouth cut him off before he could and the noise in his throat melted into a hum. He licked across Kuroo's bottom lip and their lips parted together, Both of them closing their eyes. Kenma knew because Kuroo's eyes fluttered shut just half a second before his. He moved to nip at Kuroo's neck, briefly, and felt him tense as he held back a moan. Kenma ran his tongue over the sensitive spot he'd bitten and Kuroo couldn't hide it this time, groaning through his nose as his jaw clenched and his hands fisted in Kenma's hair. Kenma pecked at his cheek before kissing him on the lips again, noticing that they were a little rough, like Kuroo needed chapstick or something.

That wasn't really where he wanted his mind to go. Actually, that's when Kenma pulled back, whispering into Kuroo's ear in a small, worried voice.

"Kuroo... Are you angry with me?" he kissed him again before Kuroo could formulate an answer. "Kuroo, I love you."

"Kenm--"

"You're so much to me, you mean so much to me. I'm--" He wanted to say he was sorry, but he couldn't. He'd said it too many times, even though he meant it just as much each time. He quickly switched up his sentence. "I'm so glad I'm still here, still with you."

And Kenma realized it was true.

He was happy to be alive again.

 

*******


	6. Tough Love

"I'm so glad I'm still here, still with you."

Kenma's lips found his again and there were fingers in his hair and Kuroo sort of wanted to cry. Kenma was glad that he was here with Kuroo, breathing and drinking coffee and falling asleep in each other's arms and-- Maybe 'sort of' wasn't quite true. Kuroo really, really wanted to cry. Not because he was upset. He wanted to cry precisely because he wasn't upset. Because Kenma was glad that he was here. He was glad that Kuroo had been there to save him.

But Kuroo couldn't cry, because Kenma's tongue was in his mouth and his arms were around Kenma's waist. He hadn't even taken his jacket off and signalled with a short sound for Kenma to pull back. Kuroo shrugged out of his coat and Kenma was on him again, peppering his neck with tiny kisses.

"Kenma, what's up with this? What's with you?" It wasn't a complaint, he made that much clear in his tone, but it was still a serious question, and Kenma stilled slightly. The shorter setter's earlier words echoed in Kuroo's brain and he sighed. "I'm not angry, Kenma. Why would I be angry at you?"

Kenma looked at the floor. "You know... I just... On the bridge--"

"Kenma, of course I'm not mad. I know it seemed like it, I was just--"

"Worried," Kenma finished for him. "You were worried. You shouldn't have had to do that. Worry, I mean."

Kuroo took one of Kenma's hands in each of his own, squeezing softly. "I worried before all this, you know. Before we even started going out, I worried about you. Whether or not you were eating right or sleeping enough or remembered to do laundry or brush your teeth before bed." He tried to catch Kenma's eye, but he still wouldn't look up. "I've always worried about you, Kenma, now there are just... There are just different things I have to worry about. But I've always been worried, to some degree. It isn't like I've never been concerned about you."

"Why?"

"Why did I worry?" Kuroo laughed and Kenma finally looked up at him. "Because I love you. When you love someone, you want them to be alright, Kenma. That's kind of just how it is."

"I'm sorry I made you worry so much, Kuroo." Kenma's voice cracked.

"No, Kenma, you--"

"I won't be so stupid anymore."

"You're not--"

"I couldn't leave you, Kuroo." Kenma pushed his head into Kuroo's chest. "I could never really leave you like that."

There was a silence, Kuroo pulling Kenma into a loose hug and kissing the top of his head. Kenma sniffed, by didn't cry, and Kuroo smiled to himself. Kenma shouldn't have to cry anymore, not ever. Kuroo only wanted him to be happy, and it seemed like maybe it was working. Even if it was only a little, and even if Kuroo couldn't do anything else to help, he could be Kenma's reason to stay. He could be the thing that Kenma couldn't leave, the person he wanted to stay with. To stay alive with. Kenma didn't want to be without him. He didn't want to leave him.

"I don't want you to, Kenma." Kuroo whispered. "I don't want you to go. I want you to stay. With me."

"Always, I always will."

They stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity, arms around each other. The only sounds Kuroo heard were their separate breaths, Kenma's a little bit faster than his own but gradually syncing with him. Kenma's ear rested against his heart and the setter's eyes were closed and god, Kuroo loved him. He let his eyes fall shut too, breathing in the faint smell of lavender that always clung to Kenma's skin. Kuroo made himself relax, leaning harder against the wall and pulling Kenma just a little closer. He heard Kenma sigh, softly, before he put more weight on Kuroo. Kenma's promise to stay with him was all he needed to feel better, even though he would still worry. Kuroo was resigned to the fact that he would always worry about Kenma, just like he always had before. He was worried even in this exact moment that something was wrong, that Kenma was unhappy, that he needed to be more hydrated or that he needed a hug.

Of course, he was already getting a hug, so that was a little bit of a pointless worry. Maybe he didn't need one, and Kuroo started to worry about that, too. Wondering what Kenma needed was stressful, especially since he was so unreadable, but... But he was staying. He was staying with Kuroo and while the taller boy wasn't sure how much he believed it, it was a start. Kenma was trying.

"Hey, I'm gonna put the groceries away, alright?"

Kenma have a noncommittal "Mmph," turning to bury his face in Kuroo's shirt. That was the extent of his movement, other than his fingers curling slightly into the fabric covering Kuroo's back.

"Kenmaaa!" "

Uhhnn." He still didn't pull away. He might have actually leaned a little farther into his boyfriend, and upon noticing this Kuroo sighed. Then, his lips twisted around a smirk as he moved his arms away from Kenma's shoulders, ghosting his fingers down his back and grinning when he felt the shorter boy tense. His fingertips brushed against Kenma's sides and from how still he was Kuroo could tell he was holding his breath. He pushed his hands underneath the hem of Kenma's shirt and scraped his nails ever so lightly across the spot just under his ribs. That got him a shriek as Kenma jerked away, hiding his sides with his own arms and scowling. "That isn't fair!"

"Neither is leaving the cheese on the table to melt, darling." The pet name was a joke, meant to emphasize the sarcasm in his words, but Kenma blushed a little anyway.

"Cheese doesn't melt as quickly as you seem to think it does." Kenma crossed his arms in front of his chest and stuck out his tongue. "But the apples should go in the fruit bowl and stuff. Also, hide the Doritos."

"Bokuto's gonna find them anyway."

"You don't have to make it easy for him!"

Kuroo ruffled through the groceries, unearthing a bag of chips and tossing it on top of the fridge. "Do you think that looks like we tried to hide it? Then he won't suspect there are any more. We can just hide them in the bathroom or something."

"Put them wherever, he's going to find them and eat them before you know it no matter what." Kenma picked something from under his fingernail and huffed. "I'm going to take a nap."

"I'll be right in."

"You don't have to--"

"I'll be right in, Kenma." His voice was more firm, and Kenma closed his mouth. For half a second he almost looked offended, but then his expression softened and he stuck out his tongue once more, disappearing into their bedroom. Kuroo was just worried. It hadn't been long enough for him to really let go of any of his worries about that one night, the night he'd come home to a note from Kenma with the worst new he'd ever received written on it for him. It hadn't been long enough for him to leave Kenma alone with a clear conscience, even to nap in the other room. Even with Kuroo so close still. It wasn't that he didn't trust Kenma. He knew Kenma was only doing his best.

What he worried about was that maybe even Kenma's best wasn't enough to stop him from hurting himself.

 

********

 

Kageyama was staying another night with the Tsukishimas. Everything about that thought felt incredibly wrong. For starters, the word 'another' shouldn't have been included at all, because he shouldn't have found himself there overnight a first time, ever. Also, to say the night this time, Kageyama would have to spend the day with him too, and... His family? Did Tsukishima talk to his family at all? Surely he'd be forced to meet at least a parent if he was sleeping here (again). He hadn't met anyone last time, but arguably, the last time had been a bit different.

Kageyama asked himself why he was still here, in this house, with these people. Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, Tsukki's parents, and there was also the whisper of a brother. God, Kageyama hoped he didn't have a brother. He almost went as far as to hope that he didn't have parents, either, but they'd been mentioned the first night, and he couldn't even pretend they didn't exist.

Hinata had already left for his own house, which made it even weirder to be sitting on this particular middle blocker's bed. He was texting Kageyama to make sure he was fine, still alive, every ten minutes or so, and Kageyama finally told him that he was showering and that he couldn't answer for a little while. That was a lie. He was just so exhausted from Hinata pestering him, even if it was with good intentions.

Tsukishima, however, had showered, coming back into his room with a fresh outfit and a towel over his head. Upon seeing Kageyama still in the clothes he'd shown up in, he frowned and put a hand on his hip. His other hand dried his hair. Pursing his lips, Tsukki continued scowling once he'd put on his glasses. He guessed he wasn't just frowning because he couldn't see, huh.

"Do you want clothes?" He asked suddenly.

"What?"

"Your jeans are probably fine, actually, but you should at least change your shirt." As he spoke, Tsukishima opened a drawer and tossed a plain white shirt at him. It hit him in the face, and Kageyama quickly shoved it away when the light scent of Tsukki's laundry detergent hit his nose. A little floral, the smell momentarily filled his brain with the image of a green meadow and an unlawfully blue sky. Kageyama brought the shirt back up to his face slowly.

Clean, fresh, floral, and just a tiny bit like linen; just a tiny bit like Tsukishima Kei, too. When he thought of that, the field in his mind suddenly included the blond boy, without his glasses, and... Without his shirt. Without his shirt? It was just because Kageyama was holding it. That was the only reason.

"Quit smelling my shirt." A voice startled him and he flushed. "It's too late for mom to make breakfast so I'll see what there is. Come out when you're changed, 'kay?"

"Y-yeah." It was all Kageyama could manage. He pulled his own shirt over his head and put on Tsukki's, a little bit surprised at how big it was. Sure, it was too long; of course it was, but he'd expected to fill it out more than he did. Walking over to the mirror, Kageyama turned to look at himself from all angles. He could tuck it in, but that would look stupid. Maybe more stupid than leaving it untucked would. Maybe, he thought, he should just change back into his own shirt.

But his shirt didn't smell like flowers and like Tsukki.

That should have solidified his decision to change back, but it did the opposite, and Kageyama walked out of Tsukishima's room and into the kitchen for the first time. Tsukki was standing in front of the fridge and pointed at the table like he was ordering Kageyama to sit down. He pulled up a chair for himself and watched Tsukishima rummage for something to eat. The taller boy pulled out a carton of eggs and lifted them towards Kageyama for an opinion. Kageyama just nodded, and Tsukishima moved toward the stove.

Yamaguchi came into the kitchen after he'd showered, sitting beside Kageyama but not saying anything. He seemed tired, resting his chin in his hand and leaning on his elbow. Tsukishima asked him how many eggs he wanted. Yamaguchi said he wanted two.

A stranger came in, then, freezing when he saw the boys at the table. Yamaguchi waved at him. "Hi, Akiteru."

"Hey Tadashi, and uh..." The stranger, who had to be Tsukishima's brother, tilted his head. "You're that setter, right?"

That setter?

"Yeah."

"But I thought Kei ha--" Tsukishima made a sound of warning from the stove and Akiteru shrugged, taking a box of cereal out of a cupboard.

Hated him. Tsukishima hated him.

"Okay." Akiteru stuffed a handful of Cheerios in his mouth before continuing, and it was kind of disgusting. "I'm his older brother." He swallowed. "Tsukishima Akiteru."

"Akiteru's in college," Yamaguchi told him.

"Yamaguchi... Nobody asked?"

"Sorry, Tsukki."

Akiteru finished with his cereal, but sat at the table while everyone ate their eggs anyway, making small talk with Yamaguchi and passing the salt whenever someone wanted it. Tsukki looked pissed about it. Yamaguchi looked happy, though, and Kageyama suspected that's why he hadn't banished his older brother from the table.

"Thanks for breakfast, Tsukishima."

Akiteru grinned. "You're welcome."

The younger Tsukishima shot him a withering glare. "Why the hell would he be talking to you?" He didn't get an answer, and Akiteru looked like he didn't think the joke had been worth the look he'd gotten.

Yamaguchi left after breakfast, and Kageyama ended up back in Tsukishima's room with him, sitting on the floor while the blocker lounged on his bed, socked feet dangling off the edge of the mattress. Both of them tapped at their phones. Neither of them spoke to each other. They didn't really look at each other, either, until Kageyama cleared his throat and crossed his legs.

"Tsukishima." Tsukki looked at him and raised a single eyebrow. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"When you said... Before, you said you came close. What did you mean when you said that?"

Tsukishima's eyes were back on his screen. "Kageyama, can I ask you a question."

"Yes."

"Are you trying to be an idiot, or does it just come naturally to you?" He didn't answer, and heard Tsukishima sigh. "Okay." 

"Okay what?"

"Okay, come over here a second, highness."

Kageyama heaved himself up and sat next to Tsukishima, waiting for him to continue. Instead of opening his mouth though, he played with the hem of one of his T-shirt sleeves before pushing it up, and then the other one, revealing marks Kageyama hasn't ever seen before, not on a real person. Not someone that he knew.

Small lines of white and shining pink littered Tsukishima's upper arms and the tops of his shoulders, ranging from two inches to nearly four. Kageyama inhaled sharply and reached for a marked-up arm but reconsidered, moving instead to cover his own mouth. The scars... There were so many of them, But Tsukishima didn't look like he even cared. He stared right at Kageyama as the setter went through various stages of shock.

"When I said I came close, I just meant that there were bigger veins I was going to aim for." He shrugged, letting his sleeves drop back down. "I'm still here though, so I obviously didn't."

For a minute, Kageyama just stared at him in horror. To think that Tsukishima... He couldn't. He couldn't be hurting himself still, none of the cuts were fresh. Right?

"Are you... okay?" Kageyama asked.

Tsukishima scoffed. "No. But hey, what the fuck, right?"

"Shit. Shit, Tsukishima, you're--"

"I'm not the one jumping off of bridges, your majesty." The extra emphasis on the last few words told Kageyama how annoyed the other boy was. At what, though? His concern?

"Right," He shot back. "You're just more inconspicuous."

Tsukishima actually recoiled a little from Kageyma, passive expression slipping. Only for a minute, then he was neutral again. But Kageyama hadn't missed it, the way his eyes had widened and his lips had parted for a fraction of a second. Now, his mouth closed tightly, lips forming a thin line, then a snarl.

"Well at least I've got help, Kageyama."

That hurt, for a minute, but then Kageyama grinned.

"So do I, now."

 

********

 

Kenma wasn't surprised when Kuroo walked into their room a few minutes after he'd lied down. It was, after all, what he'd promised he would do. Not that Kenma wanted him to. Kenma's primary desire was to sleep for at least a few hours, and that was something that was very difficult to do with Kuroo anywhere near him. Kenma wasn't a heavy sleeper, didn't get much rest when he slept. Maybe that's why he was always so tired. But Kuroo had disrupted his sleeping as far back as Kenma could remember.

Often, he was only trying to help, like the time he'd tried singing the setter to sleep (forgetting, perhaps, that he was more than a little tone-deaf) and Kenma had pretended he was dreaming for almost an hour before Kuroo stopped. And often, like that same instance, Kenma wished his boyfriend would just leave him alone. Although, if "it's the thought that counts" was Kenma's philosophy, he was sure he'd appreciate Kuroo a lot more. Kuroo tried, he tried so hard, and Kenma thought it was sweet, but...

When it came to lulling Kenma to sleep, he tended to fail. If he was doing it on purpose, that is. If he was just there, just snuggling him or letting him lean on him, Kenma could fall asleep fine.

"Kenma? You still awake in here?"

"It's only been about five minutes, you know."

The mattress dipped as Kuroo sat down, leaning against the headboard and brushing a lock of hair off of Kenma's cheek. He was always doing that, moving his hair out of the way, flicking rice off his chin or an eyelash off his nose. Loving, absent little touches. He'd ask him why, but he feared Kuroo's answer would be something really embarrassing. Kuroo was always so _embarrassingly_ affectionate, but Kenma didn't mind so much anymore.

"Yeah, you're always so stressed, you could never fall asleep so fast."

"Ouch."

Kuroo slid under the blankets and nuzzled his face into Kenma's shoulder, snaking an arm around his stomach.

"I'm kidding."

"You're not really wrong, though." He took the arm that was holding him and laced Kuroo's fingers with his own, kissing his knuckles before shifting backwards to lean against his larger body. Kuroo's breath was warm and so was his skin and Kenma melted a little against him.

Kuroo snorted. "Seriously? Right now you're more like a noodle than anything else. You seem relaxed to me."

"M'tired, Kuroo." Kenma felt himself being pulled even closer and moved his knee so he could bump Kuroo's ankles, prompting him to entwine their legs. Kuroo's cheek and forehead still pressed against his shoulder, and Kenma smiled in the dark. Maybe he'd sleep fine, here with Kuroo holding him gently. That could work, right?

Wrong.

"Are you sure you're okay, Kenma?" Kuroo's lips brushed against his shoulder blade, breath sending the tiniest shiver up his spine. "Are you really sure?"

Damn it. Damn it! Not wanting the answer to be 'no,' Kenma had been avoiding thinking about it as much as possible, focusing more on easier problems, like where to hide the Doritos. Or how much time he would have to nap before Kuroo accidentally kicked him awake. Or, even, how much milk to pour into his cereal so that he would finish the solid and liquid in the bowl at the same time. Thinking about his real problems was too hard; he needed more time.

"What do you mean?" He asked, as innocently as possible.

"You know what I mean."

Okay, no luck with stalling. That was a problem. Kenma seemed to have a lot of those. And of course, the problem with problems was that they wouldn't be problems if they weren't, you know, problems. That was... also a problem. Shit, he was stalling again. He wasn't supposed to do that.

"Honestly?"

Kuroo laughed softly. "Yes, honestly."

"Honestly... What a wake up call."

"What?"

"Kuroo, if you hadn't been there-- if you'd been even a minute too late-- I mean, that second before you caught me? I was going to die." Kenma took a deep breath. "I was going to die, Kuroo."

He felt the vibration as Kuroo let out a low hum. "I thought that's what you wanted."

For a minute, Kenma actually stopped breathing. Kuroo was right; after all, you didn't jump of bridges for no reason. You didn't fall a thousand feet for fun, not unless you had something to break your fall other than hard concrete. And even though he'd been shaking, shivering less from cold and more from the fear of what he was doing, Kenma had still leaned over the edge. Sure, he'd regretted it, but he'd still done it. He'd still taken that final step that would have-- should have-- sealed his fate, permanently.

Kenma should be dead. He let go of Kuroo's hand and shied away, curling in on himself. Kenma should be dead. That's what he'd wanted. Kuroo thought so, too. But...

"So did I." He whispered, to himself more than his boyfriend.

"And... Now?" A hand at Kenma's waist tried to move him towards Kuroo again. he rolled over instead of scooting back into the blocker's arms and buried his face into Kuroo's chest.

"I was wrong. I was wrong about so much, I thought--" He moved his head back so that he could look at Kuroo's face. "I thought I couldn't get better. I thought I would be miserable for the rest of my life and I thought that if it was going to be so terrible than the I might as well make 'the rest of my life' a much shorter amount of time. I thought... I thought that I was alone. But Kuroo, I was wrong. About everything: what I wanted, whether I could stand to live anymore... I thought that I didn't have any other choice."

Kuroo was staring at him with a soft look, eyes half-lidded as he stroked Kenma's hair. "Do me a favour?"

"Mmm?"

"Everything you just said... Keep that in mind. I want you to promise me that you'll remember that you were wrong when you felt helpless and cornered and that you have people-- so many people who love you, Kenma." Kuroo sighed. "You're going to feel so shitty sometimes. I wish you never had to but that's not how it works. But you're not alone. You're not defined by your sadness; that isn't who you are. We're going to love you anyway. I'm going to love you anyway."

"Kuroo..." Kenma reached a hand to cup Kuroo's cheek.

"Can you promise me?"

"I promise."

"Good." Kuroo kissed the tip of Kenma's nose and he scrunched it up, hiding his face again when he felt a blush creep up his neck.

"I..."

"Hmm?" Kuroo pressed his lips to Kenma's temple.

"Me too. I love you, too."

Kuroo chuckled at that, hugging him tightly before rolling onto his back, keeping one arm around him. Kenma inched closer and pillowed his head on Kuroo's chest with a quiet sigh. He was so warm, and the arms around him made him feel like maybe he was glowing. Glowing because he was happy and he was in love and he could sleep without a single worry for the first time in a very, very long time. Kuroo spoke one more time before Kenma closed his eyes.

"I know," He said.

 

********


	7. What's the Deal?

With Kenma asleep in his arms, softly mumbling and humming in his sleep, it only took a few minutes for him to get tired. Unlike Kenma, it wasn't difficult for Kuroo to shut his eyes and drift off, even if he didn't need the rest. Although, recently he'd been needing to sleep more, and welcomed the excuse to nap with his boyfriend, who was, ironically, the main cause of Kuroo's exhaustion. Not that he blamed Kenma. It wasn't the setter's fault. It was nobody's fault.

Kenma had fallen asleep without saying goodnight, so Kuroo murmured it for him before he relaxed completely. Kenma was staying with him, he was doing better, he could afford to relax for just a little while. Because Kenma wasn't going anywhere.

That's what he thought.

But the next day when Kuroo opened his eyes (he'd accidentally slept through the whole night?), the familiar weight of Kenma's head on his chest was gone. So was the rest of Kenma, the blankets on one half of the bed turned down slightly and a dip in his pillow like he'd spent some time lying awake before getting up. A shirt had been thrown on the bed; Kuroo recognized it as the one Kenma has worn yesterday, and wondered which one he'd put on this morning. He'd left the drawer open, so he had to have changed. But he was gone. He was gone and Kuroo tried his very best not to panic, to get out of bed slowly and to change his own shirt.

But he didn't end up changing his shirt. He couldn't waste that much time. Kuroo walked down the hall to the bathroom, but the door was wide open and he didn't even have to go in to see that Kenma wasn't in it. If Kuroo was snoring too loud (which he would always deny), Kenma had been known to move even farther down the hall to crash in Bokuto's bed, since the ace often passed out on the couch. He wasn't there, either. Kuroo walked swiftly back to their own room, just in case he'd missed Kenma or he'd returned while Kuroo was searching the other side of the apartment. When he didn't find him there, his heart sped up and he fought to control his breathing while he practically jogged out to the living room.

Kenma was wearing a blue shirt and rolled-up sweatpants and, oblivious to Kuroo's presence, was filling a glass full of water from the kitchen sink. The blocker's footfalls must have been muffled by the sound of the faucet, and Kenma hadn't noticed Kuroo was there because he probably hadn't thought his disappearance would be a problem. Probably hadn't thought anybody would worry.

Honestly, that should have been a comfort to Kuroo, because it likely meant that there wasn't a reason for worry. But he was still shaky from finding Kenma missing, and called out just as the other boy turned around.

"Kenma!"

Nearly jumping out of his skin, Kenma dropped his glass and it hit the floor with a loud smash. Glass shards spread out across the kitchen even as Kenma stumbled forward in a lame attempt to catch the cup of water, and the setter yelped when he stepped down. He was completed soaked, and his eyes were wide, looking at Kuroo in terror. 

"Holy shit!" Kuroo's hand flew to his mouth. "Fuck, Kenma--"

"Don't yell at me!" Kenma was panting, looking like a deer in headlights as he stared at his boyfriend. His hands grabbed at his hair and his breathing was so shallow and hard that Kuroo winced. "Stop, please stop yelling at me." He whined.

Slowly, veins of bright red made their way through the puddle of water of the floor and Kenma sobbed once, wheezing. Kuroo was too frozen to move. He watched Kenma lean down and grimace as he reached under his foot, jerking away with the tiniest whimper. Blood was running down his finger but Kenma didn't realize until he'd wiped a tear from his cheek, smearing red all over his palm and his face. When he did notice, he recoiled in horror and took an instinctual step back, crying out when his heel met the floor and a crack from another, larger piece of glass rang out.

"I'm sorry." Kuroo's voice was much quieter now. "I'm sorry. Oh god, I'm sorry, are you alright?"

Stupid question.

"No," Kenma forced the word through clenched teeth, his eyes squeezing shut. "I fucking--" He gasped a breath in. "I stepped on the fucking--" He ran a hand through his hair to get it out of his face and bright streaks appeared in the blond. "Ow?" Was all Kenma could say.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry." Kuroo's voice rasped out of his throat. He was still too shocked to move, his hand was still covering his mouth. His eyes were leaking tears now, too. Kenma was in obvious pain and couldn't even answer him, just shaking his head as he wrapped both his arms around himself. He watched Kenma's hair fall into his face, watched his boyfriend tremble and heard him cry out weakly when he shifted his weight. Kenma was hurt, really hurt, and there was so much fucking blood on the floor. The water only made it seem like there was more.

The doorknob turned and Bokuto walked in, coming home from class at either the best or worst possible time. "Hello? I-- Fuck!" He dropped the plastic bag in his hand and it hit the floor with a thud. "What...?"

Kenma shook his head again and Bokuto looked to Kuroo.

"Kenma... D-dropped a glass of w-water." He swallowed and covered his face with both of his hands. "It was my fault, it was all my fault; I startled him and--"

"Kuroo, I need you to breathe and to not move. Kenma..." Bokuto crunched over to the setter, sensibly keeping his shoes on. "Kenma? I'm going to lift you up. Is that okay?" Kuroo looked through his fingers and saw Kenma nod, but the smaller boy couldn't hold back a strangled shriek when the glass in his feet moved again. The sound made Bokuto cringe. But still, he hoisted Kenma over his shoulder so that he could hold him with one arm, using the other one to point at Kuroo. "We're going to the hospital."

Kuroo took a step forward when the spiker said it, but Bokuto gave him a look of warning.

"You're not coming. You're going to go back to your room and put on those ugly slippers with the tough bottoms that you say you hate but always wear. Then, you're going to clean this up and when we get back the floor isn't going to have any glass on it. Or any water. Or any blood. I'm going to take Kenma to the hospital. I'm going to text you when we're there. Are we clear?"

"But I--"

"Are. We. Clear."

Kuroo's shoulders slumped. "We're clear. Please just... Just keep me as updated as you can?"

"Absolutely." Then they were gone, and Kuroo sat on the floor, stunned.

He'd made this mess. It was only right that he should be the one who cleaned it up.

 

********

 

Kageyama hadn't said another word to Tsukishima for most of the day. He hadn't had the faintest idea what words he would use if he did want to talk, which he wasn't entirely sure he did. Tsukishima was in the mood to be pissed off, and wasn't hiding it, so Kageyama thought it would be best to stay silent. He'd gotten mad at Kageyama's worry over him earlier. Nothing he said would help him now.

Tsukishima's brother had knocked on the door to tell them both of his parents would be out later than expected. Surprisingly, Tsukki had jumped up and volunteered to cook in their stead. Akiteru had said that he himself had been planning to, but the younger brother had insisted, and eventually he shrugged.

"Sure, Kei, if you really want."

Then he'd left them alone, but it wasn't long before Tsukishima followed him, leaving Kageyama in his room for all of two minutes. Then he appeared again, asking him why he was still in here, why he hadn't come out to the living room or something. Kageyama hadn't realized he was supposed to. He also really didn't want to be any more awkward than he already was in this house, and Tsukki's room seemed the only place he could relax. He still couldn't relax very much, but it was still something.

Unfortunately for Kageyama, Tsukishima pulled him out of the room.

"You'd better not be sniffing my clothes again."

He didn't have anything to say to that.

He'd asked quietly if Tsukishima had needed any help in the kitchen, if there was anything he could do at all, but had been shooed out of the kitchen and told to go sit on the couch until the food was ready. He was about to sit where he'd been told but Kageyama noticed Akiteru flipping between college volleyball games on the television. Kageyama was out of place enough without the man's added presence, and was turning back to stay with his classmate when Tsukishima pushed him out.

"Go! You're gonna get in my way!" His words dripped with poison and Kageyama finally plunked himself onto the couch a full two cushions away from Akiteru.

That's where he was now.

Akiteru tilted his head to the side and stood up, looking at Kageyama quizzically before he left the room. "Keeiiii!"

"Go away please, Akiteru."

"But Kei, I--"

The rest of his words were quieter, made harder to hear by the sizzling coming from the same direction. Kageyama couldn't pinpoint what Tsukishima was cooking, but it smelled good. Still, he strained his ears to hear the conversation between the Tsukishima brothers, finally rewarded with a quick few words.

"-- Don't think so, Akiteru."

"So, you're saying that's it? That's all. There's nothing wrong at all."

"I'm saying get off my fucking back, alright? I'm absolutely fine!"

"Jeez, Kei, cool it."

"I'm being perfectly fucking civil. Don't you have something that you're watching? I need to get back to the stove."

After some grumbling, Akiteru came back into the living room and sat next to Kageyama on the couch, much closer than before. He knew he was being stared at even though he was avoiding Akiteru's eyes and pretending to concentrate on the screen in front of him. Akiteru wasn't watching the game. Akiteru's gaze was boring a hole into the side of Kageyama's head.

"What did you do?"

That got Kageyama's attention. "Excuse me?"

Akiteru didn't look angry, just contemplative, and maybe a little sad. "What happened that got him so upset?"

He snorted. "So he's not always this much of a jerk at home?"

"No, he... He is, but that's not it. He was fine earlier, too, which makes me feel like something went down. He's also cooking dinner."

"Is that some sort of problem?"

Akiteru sighed and gave him a long look. "Not in itself; it's been know to happen. But," He cleared his throat. "Did you know that Kei hates onions?"

"Um, I'm not really following where this is going."

"He hates them. It's ridiculous how much my little brother hates onions. I mean, nobody in our family really likes them, but when you cook them enough they don't even taste like anything. Like how mushrooms take on the flavour of whatever you put them in. They're just onions. That's why it was easy enough to figure out his idiot trick."

... Trick? Kageyama still didn't get it.

"He hates them, he knows everybody else kind of does, too. Are you some kind of onion fanatic?"

"... No."

"Right." Akiteru pointed toward the kitchen. "So why in the world is Kei cooking something with a million onions in it? Can you explain that? It took me a good few years to crack it."

That didn't sound like it had been 'easy'.

"No, I don't know." 

With a snap of his fingers, Akiteru finally got to his point, but there was nothing triumphant in his tone at having figured it out, nothing that suggested any emotion at all. "He looks up something with a lot of onions whenever something bad happens, because cutting them gives him a fool-proof excuse to cry. So, I'm going to ask you again. What happened?"

Did Akiteru know? Did Akiteru know about the scars littering his brother's arms? Did he have any clue? Kageyama couldn't be the one to tell him, that much was certain. Kageyama would tell him if he knew, but he couldn't. It had taken him years just to figure out Tsukishima cut onions so that he could cry without people knowing. Because Tsukishima really, truly didn't want people knowing. If Tsukki didn't even trust his older brother with his tears, there was no way that he could know about--

"Food." Tsukishima Kei stuck his head around the corner. He did look like he'd been crying, a little. But... Why? It was probably Kageyama's fault. Everything else was. He was probably upset about Kageyama seeing his arms. Maybe, like Hinata, he was upset about Kageyama's serious need for help. Who could say? He did his very best not to let anybody wise up to the fact that he was crying, so he wouldn't want to talk about it. Kageyama wouldn't even push it.

They ate in silence. There actually was an abundance of onion in the dish, whatever it was, but Kageyma didn't find it unpleasant. Tsukishima didn't look like he did, either, despite what Akiteru said about his hatred for the vegetable. Were onions vegetables? He couldn't be sure.

After the meal, Akiteru offered to do the dishes, and while Kageyama wanted to help, he was steered back to Tsukki's room.

"You're yawning, I don't want you dropping a plate because you're tired."

"Hey!"

"Kageyama, it's better if you rest up. I don't want my house destroyed."

Kageyama scowled, but it because obvious that Tsukishima was trying to make him sleep because Tsukishima himself was exhausted. Taking off his glasses and rubbing at his eyes with a yawn of his own, he asked Kageyama if he wanted pyjamas. Kageyama didn't. Tsukki changed and got into bed and it should have been weird. It should have been awfully weird to share a bed with Tsukishima, the previous bane of Kageyama's existence.

But it wasn't. Instead, their backs together and feet touching on occasion and the feeling of his breathing made it easier to fall asleep, the smell of flowers and Tsukki's shampoo all around him.

But he only fell asleep for a short amount of time. Maybe an hour. Maybe a little bit more than that.

He opened his eyes and saw a hand before anything else. Resting on the mattress in front of his chest, connected to an arm that was slung over him. The arms was connected to a torso that pressed up against his back and attached to that torso had to be a blond head. Kageyama moved to get up, but changed his mind before he could fully change position. He lied back and pretended he was still sleeping but the movement had already stirred Tsukishima and the arm around him was withdrawn with a mumbled "Shit."

Kageyama kept his eyes closed even when Tsukishima slipped out of the bed and walked out of the room. He wasn't sure where the blond was going. It didn't matter. It didn't matter because Kageyama was more confused than he'd been in his whole life. He was confused about that fact that he missed the feel of the embrace that had been gone less than a minute. He was confused about the fact that with each deep breath through his nose and each wave of flowery detergent, he had the stupidest urge to grin. He was confused about the warm feeling in his stomach and the thoughts invading his brain. Most of all, Kageyama was confused about why he couldn't get images of Tsukishima and his pretty, pretty face out of his mind.

Uh oh.

He didn't have time to think about it, though, because the middle blocker was back and he still thought Kageyama was asleep. Obviously, he wasn't paying close attention, because Kageyama was having a hard time keeping his breathing steady. He heard a yawn just before the mattress dipped and a body made contact with his own again. Surprisingly, after a moment of hesitation, an arm snaked across Kageyama's body again and a cheek pressed against his back.

Uh oh.

Fucking _shit_.

But even while his brain shot curses, all Kageyama could do was smile.

 

********

 

Before, Kenma had always been fond of hospitals. They were brightly lit but in a soft, white way that didn't hurt his eyes the way the sun or Bokuto's bedside lamp did. Everything was clean and sterilized and the buildings were equipped to handle mostly anything. If Kenma had a heart attack while he was in this building, he'd be alright. If his foot got crushed by a falling file cabinet, it would really suck, but he'd be okay. Hell, Kenma could slit his own wrists in this place and be just fine.

And beyond the white, clean walls and white clean doors and windows polished enough to see your reflection, there was something darker. Hospitals could handle a disaster, sure, but they were also more than capable of causing them. Just about anything in a hospital could be dangerous, if it wasn't already inherently so. Drugs, knives and needles, high-voltage machines and X-ray waves, all of it could hinder as much as help.

It was exhilarating.

At least, it had been during Kenma's previous visits. When he'd sprained his ankle, when he'd gotten a ball-to-the-face concussion, when Kuroo had swerved to avoid a squirrel and crashed his car with both of them in it. Kenma hadn't even minded the injuries then, since he got to be here. It was never that serious, the reason for his hospitalization, so it wasn't hard at all to relax and almost enjoy the feeling of such concrete safety.

Now it was different. Now there was glass in his feet and he was bleeding all over Bokuto and the floor of the hospital. The pain had dulled from a sharp sting to a pulsing, aching pressure, and somehow it was worse. Now he had to be carried to the urgent care clinic, had to be held even when Bokuto leaned over the counter to speak to the receptionist.

"Please," He said quickly, "He's stepped on a lot of glass and the bleeding won't slow down."

The woman sitting behind the desk asked a lot of questions and Kenma felt Bokuto tense and fidget. He clung to Bokuto's shirt and sobbed. Kenma barely registered when he was carried into a room until he was laid onto a bed with a pile of towels supporting his feet. They were probably there to sop up the blood more than anything else.

Blocking out the pain turned into blocking out everything else, and Kenma couldn't respond to queries he assumed were directed to him. The voices were fuzzy and the words blurred together and he kept his eyes closed tightly. It hurt less that way. He told himself that Bokuto would answer for him if it was really that important. He told himself he didn't need to be present in the room mentally for them to help him. It would all go faster and easier if he kept his mouth shut and they got it over with. He wasn't exactly correct.

Kenma couldn't keep his mouth shut at all, because the second something probed at his foot he screamed. He bit his hand to muffle the noise and _God_ that hurt and he wanted it to stop but it wouldn't. A ringing filled his ears as his breathing sped up and had the world been spinning this quickly before? Kenma didn't think so. White spots appeared behind his eyes and gradually faded into black, but he wouldn't let himself pass out. He couldn't pass out. He focused on the hot tears running down his cheeks and gasped for breath, the hand that wasn't between his teeth balled into a tight fist. His fingernails cut into his skin but Kenma barely felt it above the glass being pulled from his skin. He tried to open his eyes but everything was swimming and he squeezed them closed again.

And then, just when he was sure he would either throw up or lose consciousness, it was over. The towel was pressed to the bottoms of his feet and was held there while Kenma slowly returned to himself. A nurse held his feet with the towel wrapped around them and the doctor was rummaging in a drawer, coming away with a roll of bandages. In a chair near the door, fingers tapping furiously and face pale, Bokuto looked like he felt sick, too.

"You're gonna be fine, hun." The nurse smiled at Kenma while he continued to sob weakly. "Just try to stay off your feet a while, yeah?"

"Does he need a wheelchair?" The doctor asked Bokuto, and the ace shook his head slowly.

"We're okay."

Kenma's feet were bandaged tightly and Bokuto scooped him off the bed. The setter hung limp in his arms. He couldn't even find the energy to cry anymore, and the blood loss made him dizzier than he'd probably ever been. He was put into Bokuto's car and his seat belt was buckled for him before Bokuto got into the driver's side and sighed.

"Bokuto..."

"You okay?"

He didn't feel like he was, so he didn't answer the question. "Why didn't you want Kuroo coming the the hospital with us?" His head leaned against the window and he already knew he'd fall asleep before they got home.

Bokuto chuckled. "Too much of a mom. He would have made it a lot worse, and you would have built on his panic and stuff like that. He's probably still flipping the fuck out at home though, so you might wanna brace yourself."

"Mmm." Kenma couldn't keep his eyes open. He'd be woken when they got to the apartment.

 

Again, Kenma was carried up to the door, and instead of going through the trouble of opening it Bokuto kicked his foot against it like he was knocking. Technically, he was knocking.

When the door opened for them, Bokuto kicked his shoes off before kicking it shut behind him and quietly saying something into Kenma's ear. "Want me to pass you to Kuroo? I wanna to grab some water."

Kenma just nodded, reached out for his boyfriend and let himself be passed like a toddler. Kuroo pressed light kisses to Kenma's face, his hair, his cheeks, his nose and his lips. Kenma hummed and frowned, putting his arms around Kuroo's neck to better support himself. 

"I'm so sorry, Kenma."

He realized that Kuroo looked horrible. He hadn't changed out of the clothes Kenma'd seen him in earlier, and his hair was messy like he's been running his hands though it endlessly. His eyes were a little red. He probably hadn't eaten. But Kuroo looked overwhelmingly relieved to see him again, like he'd thought Kenma would never come back. Maybe that's exactly what he'd thought.

"Don't baby me," He murmured, craning his neck a little to kiss the corner of Kuroo's mouth. Even as he kissed back, Kenma spoke. "You're... Mmh... An idiot." He laughed. "Put me down?"

"No way. That took our entire day, Kenma, you're coming back to bed with me."

"Hmmm." Kenma pretended to consider it as if he had a choice, kissing Kuroo again softly. "Okay." He rested his head on Kuroo's shoulder, knowing he was being a difficult dead weight but not caring. He could fall asleep here in Kuroo's arms, and for a moment he actually intended to.

But Kuroo placed him gently on the bed and tossed a blanket over him and pulled him close. Kenma shuffled closer with a tiny smile, tucking his head under Kuroo's chin with a sigh. His feet still ached. His head hurt from being so dizzy.

But he was with Kuroo, and everything was going to be just fine.

******** 


	8. Desperate Measures

Careful. The word echoed through Kuroo's mind a hundred and one times, like a mantra. Careful. He took Kenma from Bokuto, putting an arm under his knees and another around his shoulder. Careful. He peppered Kenma's face and hair with feather-light kisses. He walked him to their bedroom. Careful. He lowered Kenma to the mattress and gently-- carefully-- covered him in a blanket before gingerly laying beside him.

He had to be careful. Kenma wasn't complaining about pain, wasn't crying or making a face, but he'd never been one to show it. He didn't like to seem weak. Kuroo had told him that it wasn't weak to be hurting, and it wasn't weak to need help, but Kenma was stubborn, if nothing else, and kept a lot of things bottled up. Kuroo only wanted to make it all better.

His words, his actions, even his thoughts were guarded and gentle and careful. Afraid of knocking Kenma's foot or elbowing him or pulling him too close, Kuroo moved slowly. He was barely touching Kenma when he stopped, though the setter had turned to face him and their noses were inches apart.

Too careful. Was there such a thing? If there was, Kuroo had it mastered. Too gentle, too cautious with Kenma. It was like when you take your time opening a squeaky door in an attempt to be quiet, only to draw out the noise. But what else could he do? Hadn't he hurt Kenma enough, directly or otherwise? To do it again was the last thing he wanted. At the top of Kuroo's list of things to avoid.

He stroked Kenma's hair softly but kept his right hand pulled tightly to his chest, even when Kenma nestled closer and put his smaller arms around him. Even when he pushed his chest against Kuroo's and huffed, connecting their bodies as much as he could. And then he moved even closer, almost insistent, making a tiny noise in the back of his throat.

"Why won't you hold me?"

... Why?

Because I don't want to hurt you, because I don't want to hold you too tightly and I don't want to hold you too carefully but I will and because you deserve so much better. You deserve so much better than a klutz like me. Because I love you too much, Kenma. Too damn much to risk hurting you again. But I will. I love you. I love you. I love you so much.

That's what Kuroo wanted to say.

"Kuroo...?"

He wanted to say that he wouldn't hold Kenma simply because he couldn't. There were so many things that Kuroo just couldn't do. There were plenty more that he couldn't do right. And he wanted to tell Kenma. I'm not what you need, he wanted to say. I'm hurting you; everything I'm doing is hurting you, Kenma. Loving you is hurting you and it shouldn't be and I don't know what to do. There isn't much left to try. There isn't much of you left to hurt.

Because Kuroo being his most careful, doing only his best, that's what had gotten Kenma hurt the most. Trying to keep an eye on him was starting to piss Kenma off, Kuroo's anxiety was making him irrational... His worry was starting to hurt Kenma, and badly. Kuroo couldn't have that, he couldn't have Kenma hurt and he couldn't be the one to hurt him but he was. He was.

Yes, that's what Kuroo wanted to say. He wanted to let Kenma know that Kuroo was bad for him. His hand had stilled on Kenma's hair, and a painful lump grew in his throat. He still didn't answer Kenma. If he did, he might really start crying, might really finally break.

"Kuroo."

He couldn't, he couldn't answer.

"Kuroo, stop blaming yourself."

But it wasn't like he was blaming to wrong person. Kuroo wanted to make Kenma understand that it was his fault. He wanted so badly to make him realize it. He'd scared Kenma into dropping the glass, panicked and yelled and didn't move a muscle to help him. Kuroo, even if he didn't take the blame for the glass smashing, had been totally useless when it had. He'd been frozen. He'd hesitated. Kenma should be mad, and Kuroo almost wanted him to be. That way, he'd get what he deserved.

He settled for finally hugging him, hands resting near the small of Kenma's back. Soft lips kissed his neck and the breath from Kenma's nose made Kuroo shiver. If he'd been standing, his knees would have gone weak, and he let himself melt into the mattress for just a minute.

Just a minute.

"Wait, Kenma, you need to rest."

His lips found Kuroo's jaw and brushed against it when he spoke. "This doesn't take any effort."

"Fuck..." He loved this boy. He slid his hand to cup Kenma's face, bringing it to his own. "You know you're beautiful, don't you?" He grinned when Kenma blushed and looked away from him. "Don't you? And you know that I love you, right?"

"I--"

"I'm sorry, Kenma, really." Kenma shouldn't forgive him, but Kuroo asked him to anyway.

Kuroo felt Kenma laugh, actually laugh. He kissed him again and hummed into Kuroo's neck, still snickering.

"Hey, what?"

"You don't need to smother me, Kuroo." Kenma mumbled. "You know that... right?" He yawned. "I'm going to be okay. You don't need to try and prove to me that you love me. I know you do, and I know you always have. And like I said before, I'm not going anywhere."

Kuroo wasn't sure what to say, but Kenma was talking more to himself, foggy from his earlier ordeal. He heard Kenma tell him that he loved him, too. He felt Kenma kiss his chest because the setter was too exhausted to move his head. Then, his breath the only sound in the room, Kenma was sleeping.

Not Kuroo, though. He couldn't, lately, and ended up lying awake longer than usual worrying or thinking or sometimes just being grateful he was with this person who he loved. Who he'd almost lost.

Who he was smothering. Kuroo wouldn't try to deny that. He knew he'd ended up being clingy and mushy and bothersome but he still hadn't stopped, like he knew he should. He wasn't sure how to relax enough. He didn't know what he needed to convince him it was alright to loosen his grip on Kenma. He did know that he had to, though.

One way or another, Kuroo knew he had to let Kenma breathe.

"Hey," He whispered, but Kenma was fast asleep. "I'm sorry. I'm... I'm going to do my best to be what you need, Kenma."

He didn't get an answer. He didn't need one.

"Love you."

And then, Kuroo closed his eyes.

 

*******

 

Kageyama woke up the second time considerably later than before, with no one beside him. There was a lot of nothingness this time, no light coming through the window and no sound coming from anything in the room. There were only digital clocks in here, so the steady ticking Kageyama was used to in his own home was absent. The silence was so complete it made him uneasy, and he sat up to turn on the nearest lamp.

On the good side, digital clocks meant that the time could be read even in terrible lighting, or no lighting at all. It was 8:14. It was 8:14 in the evening, and Kageyma slowly realized that he'd slept through the entire day. The second thing he realized was that he wasn't the only person in the now-lighted room. Tsukishima was sitting in a large chair on the other side of the room, eyes opening slowly. Light sleeper. Right. All it took was the click of a lamp and a change in atmosphere for Tsukki to wake up and take out his phone after shooting Kageyma a bit of a glare. Kageyama didn't think he deserved that.

"It's literally night time." He didn't hide his annoyance. He'd actually wanted to do something today; anything. Kageyama was tired of not doing anything. He wanted to go outside or something, but now it was dark and he was pissed.

"Astute observation." Tsukishima locked his phone and sighed. "You seem mad."

"Why didn't you wake me up, asshole?"

He shrugged. "You needed the beauty sleep. I don't know why you're complaining." There wasn't any hint of the tenderness he'd shown earlier, not now that Kageyama was conscious to experience it. Of course, he had been before, too, but it appeared that Tsukishima didn't know that. "You staying here again?"

It was late. Kageyama couldn't really go home, but...

"Can I?"

Was it that simple?

"Yeah."

Apparently. Apparently Tsukishima didn't care.

He wanted to punch him. Kageyama honest to god wanted to punch him for letting him sleep through the day, for being so nice and then turning around and being such a dick. It wasn't just that he'd wanted to be a little more productive today, either. He hadn't just wanted fresh air. There were phone calls and texts Kageyama had to make, to Daichi and Sugawara and Kenma and Hinata and-- Oh god, Hinata.

 _Hinata_.

His phone. Kageyama couldn't find his phone and Hinata was probably worried enough to call the police. He checked the pockets of his jeans, but if it had been there, it had fallen out while he slept. Sometimes at home he would shove it under his pillow. It wasn't there, either. Or on the bedside tables (either of them) or in the drawers attached to them. He wasn't sure why he even checked the drawers, actually, but he'd figured it was worth a shot.

He frantically ran his hands over the blankets on the bed, finally just tugging them up to look under. It wasn't under there, either, but it did go flying across the room, hitting the wall rather violently. A previously oblivious Tsukishima looked up from his own phone to look for the source of the noise, but didn't look particularly worried.

"You'd better hope that didn't break. Or worse, chip the paint on the wall. Be careful." He got out of the chair and picked up Kageyama's cell, tossing it back into the bed casually. "What's that look for?"

As Kageyama had expected, the amount of unread texts he had was through the roof. A few were from Sugawara, but all the rest were from Hinata, and as he tapped the orange-haired boy's contact, he saw that at least half of them were urgent, worried beyond compare and full of exclamation points.

"What's the look for?" He got out of bed and stormed across the room, shoving his phone in Tsukishima's face. "Read these and ask me that again, if you still can't think of a reason." The blocker's face remained neutral, and it made Kageyama clench his jaw, resisting the urge to smack him. That would make him change expression, if nothing else would.

"I texted Hinata a while ago. He knows you're fine."

"You didn't feel like mentioning that?"

"You didn't ask. You still haven't asked, I ended up telling you to chill you out. Get a hold of yourself, please, Akiteru is probably sleeping. Okay, he's probably not sleeping, but keep it down anyway; it's late."

"Tsukish--"

"I also told Hinata to go to sleep, for fuck's sake, he stayed up all of last night, you know?" Kageyama hadn't known. If he had, he would have told Hinata to sleep immediately. Staying awake the whole night... That was stupid of Hinata, really stupid. He needed to rest just as much as anyone else, not stay up for him. Especially not for him. Especially not because he was worried about Kageyama; he'd done enough of that for everyone, for the rest of time.

Tsukishima let out a low whistle, tapping out a text to whoever he was talking to. "That kid's got it real bad, Kageyama."

"You know, it's really pointless to call him a kid? He's actually older than--" Kageyama paused, frowning. "Wait, what do you... Oh."

Hinata... Liked him? It was more plausible the more Kageyama thought about it. On some level he probably knew before, and ignored it so that he wouldn't have to deal with the fact that someone cared about him. That someone wanted to be with him. That _that someone_ was Hinata Shouyou. But how did Tsukishima know?

As if reading his thoughts, Tsukki snorted. "It's really obvious, don't look so surprised."

Yeah. So Tsukishima was right.

"I almost feel guilty, letting him love me." Kageyama admitted in a whisper. "I mean, whatever he's expecting from me? I don't know if I can be that person, you know?"

The silence after his statement stretched for miles, Tsukishima's thumbs pausing and his eyes squinting into Kageyama's. He looked like he was trying to figure out exactly what Kageyama had meant, but Kageyama honestly wasn't sure himself. He just knew that he wasn't the person Hinata thought he was, really. The person Hinata looked at with adoring eyes and chided about taking care of himself and jumped highest for during matches, jumped completely trusting in. Kageyama wasn't the reliable setter he played on the court. Kageyama was a mess.

"You're... dumb."

"Huh?" Kageyama jumped a little, and Tsukishima sighed.

"You're really dumb, Kageyama. Get back into bed. Wait, change first, you've been wearing that pair of pants for far too long and I'm not washing my sheets before I absolutely have to. That means you've gotta change, so they last about a week longer." He stated everything like an obvious fact.

"I just woke up."

Tsukki shrugged. "Too bad, it's nighttime again, time for sleeping."

He tossed Kageyama a pair of soft pants and put his glasses on the right bedside table. Kageyama changed before he got into the left side of the bed.

"Move over here, I want that side."

Kageyama wanted to argue. Really, really badly. But he moved, and Tsukki got into bed next to him, where Kageyma had been the night before, and turned off the lamp before Kageyama's head was even on his pillow. He didn't think he'd ever had a stranger few days. That would have been certain even if all he'd done for those few day was stay at Tsukishima's house. But the fact that he'd been driven here without having any say, been forced to spend time alone with Tsukishima Akiteru, unearthed both physical and emotional scars...

Everything felt really removed from Kageyama's regular life. It was like he'd entered an alternate timeline and would return home as soon as he left the property.

Sleeping on the pillow Tsukishima had used was frustrating, the smell of his hair and detergent stronger than before; Kageyama wasn't sure what to do about it. Not that it wasn't comforting, but it shouldn't be, and he shouldn't be nuzzling his face into the pillowcase happily. It was a good sign that he was feeling happiness, sure, but it was for the wrong reasons. The worst reasons. Tsukishima Kei was not supposed to make Kageyama happy. Most of the time he did his damnedest to do the opposite.

So what the hell was this feeling?

"Tsukki?" He whispered.

No answer. The blond blocker had to be asleep. At least, Kageyama hoped so. For good measure, he tried again.

"Tsukishima."

Again, nothing.

"... Kei."

He was on thin ice with that one, and his voice was even softer than his first whisper. Maybe that was why he still didn't get an answer from Tsukki, who slumbered beside him silently. He hoped that silence was a sign of slumber. He hoped that slumber was a deep one. Kageyama nearly prayed, prayed that he was asleep and soundly so. Tentatively, he reached an arm over and rested about half the weight of the limb on Tsukishima's waist. After a moment, he relaxed it and moved just a fraction of an inch closer, holding his breath.

Tsukishima stiffened and Kageyama mentally kicked himself, but couldn't bring himself to move away. Not even when Tsukishima started to speak.

"You're in love with Hinata."

"Uh.... um." It wasn't quite a lie; wasn't quite the truth. "Only a little."

Tsukishima rolled over to face Kageyama, the setter's arm still at his waist, and pulled him closer gently by his shirt. He could feel Tsukki's breath on his face and opened his mouth, maybe to apologize, but he didn't get that far. Tsukishima brushed their lips together so quickly and lightly Kageyama wasn't sure it had happened for a minute. His face felt horribly warm and he blinked hard, searching Tsukki's face for an explanation in the dark.

"You're in love with Hinata." He said again, nudging Kageyama's forehead with his own. "But I don't care. I don't care about that if you can love me, too."

He kissed him again, longer this time, and Kageyama leaned forward into it, closing his eyes. It was over much too quickly, though, Tsukki pulling back and making a short, thoughtful humming sound. His eyes were closed too, Kageyama noticed when he opened his, and his lips were twisted into a smile. It was small, but genuine; he didn't have any weird toxic motive with it. Tsukishima was just... He was just happy.

Just like Kageyama was.

 

********

 

Kenma woke up alone, and he was fine with that. More than fine, he was glad he was the only one in the bed he shared with Kuroo when he opened his eyes. He had time to think, if he needed it. Time to stretch out and take up the entire mattress, if he needed it. Time to... Well, time to do whatever he wanted to, by himself; an opportunity he hadn't been getting often.

But despite the chance he had, Kenma couldn't really think of anything. It was nice to lie awake, and just listen to the sound of his own breathing, but he itched to get up, and his stomach was growling. Mentally, he told it to be quiet, and that he was trying (oh god was he trying) to have some quality quiet time by himself, just thinking. But thinking about what? What was there? Maybe it was still too early in the morning for thinking...

But if he left the room now, he'd be swamped by his roommates again, and Kenma didn't want that. He was a little tired of it, and they were both starting to get on his nerves. That was strange, since Kenma had always been a patient person. Kuroo and Bokuto weren't patient people. Kenma just wanted someone patient and quiet like him, right now. And right now, Kenma himself was the best person available. Unless...

Yes! There was one other person, one other place he could escape to, in theory. Kenma put his feet on the floor, immediately cringing.

Right. He wasn't supposed to be walking. He wasn't supposed to be moving around. He was, though.

More to prove a point than anything else, and with his body protesting all the way, Kenma walked into the kitchen to find Bokuto eating a bowl of cereal. When the ace saw Kenma, he put his spoon down and scowled at him, and Kenma didn't have to guess why.

"Kenma, sit down right now. Get off your feet or we're gonna have to change your bandages early."

Kenma sat, knowing he was right. He also couldn't deny the pain that standing brought him, and wasn't in the mood to argue about it. He had other things to argue about, today. "Bokuto," He said, as commanding as possible from the floor, in his pyjamas. "I want you to drive me to see Akaashi. Right now."

Bokuto looked surprised, to say the least. "You wanna get changed first? I'm eating."

"No." He watched Bokuto stand, dumping the rest of his cereal gracelessly in the sink. Bokuto was wearing pyjamas, too.

"Okay, come here." Kenma was scooped off the floor and he wrapped his legs around Bokuto's waist, his arms around the ace's neck. Neither of them had any shoes on when they got in the car, and though they were both silent for now, Kenma knew questions were coming.

Fifteen minutes into the drive, Bokuto looked over at him. "So, what's the big issue?"

"Huh?"

"I mean, when did you last see Akaashi? At his house? Does he even know we're on our way? I know he's home," Bokuto added, "So you don't need to worry about that. Just... Is there some kind of problem?"

"The opposite. He's quiet and I'm tired and I miss him."

Bokuto seemed to accept that, and carried Kenma to Akaashi's door against the smaller boy's wishes. He wasn't supposed to be walking. Walking hurt. But Kenma still hated being incompetent. Although, Bokuto did let him ring the doorbell.

Akaashi opened the door and squinted up at Bokuto. "What...?"

"Hey! Can you carry Kenma?"

"Excuse me?"

Bokuto grinned. "I texted you from the hospital, you know he can't walk, but he wanted to come over anyways, and who am I to deny a sweet child their final wish?"

"Final--"

"I'm just kidding! He's not dying!"

Akaashi sighed. "I know, Bokuto." He held out his arms and Kenma was placed in them, pushing his face into the other setter's shoulder. Akaashi always smelled a little bit like almonds, and Kenma smiled as Bokuto kissed his boyfriend and left.

"Kenma, you're a little heavier than you look, so I'm putting you on the couch."

"Sure."

As soon as he was set down, Kenma closed his eyes. He loved Akaashi's house; it was warm and always smelled like some kind of tea: today it was something minty. And no matter how anxious he was, this house always felt like home to Kenma. Akaashi's parents were just about never home, and that was fine with him. Akaashi always had new flavours of foreign tea and weird recipes his dad brought back from wherever he'd travelled, and they'd cook together sometimes. Usually, the meals were alright. Occasionally, they were awful, and they ordered Chinese instead.

Not today. Today Kenma was just here to have a break.

"Kenma? You want tea or are these both for me?"

"Did you sugar either of them?" He asked.

"I didn't."

"I think they're both for you this time, I want something sweeter."

Akaashi nodded. "So why are you here? Why didn't you text me?"

"I didn't even really think about it? I just sort of... I just..."

"Don't worry about it." Akaashi took a sip of tea and yawned. "What's up?"

"What's up?" He repeated the question with a surprising bitterness in his voice. "I'm being swaddled, Akaashi. Like an infant!"

"Mm?"

"It's so frustrating! I can't do anything by myself, and now I literally physically can't do anything by myself and I just--"

"Need to breathe?"

"... Yeah."

Akaashi took a deep breath. "They're just worried, you know? They love you." They. They loved him. _They_ loved him.

"Do you?" His tone was a bit panicked and Akaashi frowned.

"Yeah, I mean we love you, but I'm not so worried."

"Because you know I'm okay?"

Akaashi didn't say anything for a minute, just drank one mug of tea in silence bridge picking up the second one and taking a mouthful. "You're not okay, Kenma."

"Yes I--"

"You're not okay, but you're going to be. They don't know the difference, from what I hear. Sucks that your feet are all sliced, or you could deal with it." Kenma couldn't argue with that. But he could very much argue with the next thing Akaashi said. "I've got your back. Let's go."

He froze. "Go?"

"Home. We're talking some sense into those moron boyfriends of ours."

"No way." He couldn't. They couldn't, that would mean they would know Kenma wasn't happy with their constant attention and they wouldn't know what to do and...

And Kuroo would think it was his fault again. Kenma was sure everything would go wrong and he refused to get off the couch, forgetting that he couldn't in the first place.

"Let's go, Kenma, I'm carrying you no matter what. If you want to fall and hurt yourself, feel free to struggle as much as your heart desires. You're still getting to the car."

As usual, he was right, so Kenma didn't make trouble. He pouted the whole ride home, yes, but he didn't go out of his way to fuss about it. Akaashi would do all the talking, if only because Kenma refused to do it. It was Akaashi's idea and Akaashi's plan and while Kenma knew he couldn't stop it, he could be a pain about it.

Kuroo opened the door when they got to Kenma's apartment."H-Hey?"

"Weren't expecting me, were you?" Akaashi grinned at him. "Here, take this." 

He handed Kenma over. He closed the door and walked into the living room, sitting next to Bokuto on the couch while Kenma kissed Kuroo on the cheek. "Good morning."

"Where were you in your pyjamas, Kenma?" Kuroo snickered.

"Just Akaashi's. He doesn't judge me for what I wear to his house, and you shouldn't either." He pecked Kuroo on the nose. "Besides, everyone's wearing pyjamas right now."

"Akashi isn't."

"He's wearing clothes that look comfortable enough to sleep in, that counts!"

Bokuto was pinching at the fabric of Akaashi's sweatpants. "Hey, are these mine? They are!" He looked over at Kuroo and Kenma. "I've never slept in them though, so I can't take a side here."

"That's because you sleep naked all the time." Akaashi muttered.

"Only after an evening with you." Bokuto purred, and Akaashi rolled his eyes, smacking Bokuto on the shoulder.

"Guys," Akaashi called. "Come in here a minute, please."

Kuroo walked over and sat in a chair, holding Kenma on his lap and pressing absent-minded kisses across his shoulders. He suppressed a shiver and bit his lip, squirming a little to try and get Kuroo to concentrate on what Akaashi was saying. But Kuroo's arms stayed around his stomach and his lips moved down Kenma's back, then up to his neck again. Kenma made a small noise before lightly pushing Kuroo away. Then he grabbed Kuroo's hands to stop them from wandering while everyone else was in the room.

It was Bokuto who asked Akaashi what he wanted to say.

"Okay." Akaashi spent a moment looking into everyone's eyes individually. "Here's the thing: Bokuto, Kuroo, lay off. Kenma's safe and the last thing he needs is to be suffocated."

Kenma felt Kuroo tense. He watched the gears work in Bokuto's brain and watched him frown at Akaashi slightly.

Kuroo's lips were at his ear. "Kenma..." His breath was hot when he sighed. "I didn't mean--"

"I know," He whispered back. "I know."

"Hey Kenma?" It was Bokuto. "If you're fine... Does that mean you can make tea?"

Akaashi snorted. "He can't walk, idiot. I'll make tea."

"Oh! Keiji, you really spoil me."

"On second thought--"

"No! I'm sorry, please make tea, Akaashi!"

Kuroo laughed, and Kenma felt himself smiling. Akaashi had told them to stop fussing so much, and they'd relented. He wasn't sure how long it would last, but for now he was grateful. He leaned back into Kuroo and kissed the side of his head softly.

"Hey, what's that for?"

Kenma shrugged. "No reason."

Kuroo kissed Kenma on the cheek and grinned before accepting tea from Akaashi, making a tasteless joke about Akaashi making his tea as bitter as his disposition. Akaashi just laughed. Maybe it really was all going to be okay. Maybe he could finally start living his life again.

 

********


	9. Epilogue

Kuroo would be lying if he said he wasn't a little offended, at first. The fact that Akaashi had told them to lay off Kenma, probably at Kenma's own request? He couldn't say that wasn't embarrassing. Kuroo was sure Kenma had said something before, too, but he hadn't listened. He hadn't done what he needed to do, and Kenma must have thought he would keep dissmissing him. That's why he went to Akaashi. He must have thought that if Kuroo and Bokuto wouldn't listen to him, they would listen to the other setter.

Kuroo had nobody but himself to blame for that. And Kenma was right, sort of, because it did take going to Akaashi for him to really smarten up.

"Kenma? I didn't mean--"

"I know." Kenma breathed. "I know."

Kenma moved off of his lap to sit next to him when Akaashi brought them tea, leaning his head on Kuroo's shoulder and humming in appreciation at the warmth of his mug. "Thanks, Akaashi!"

They all talked about nothing, joking around until Bokuto snorted and tea came out of his nose. He choked on it and Akaashi was laughing too hard to help him and even though he tried to hold back a giggle, Kenma ended up spitting out some of his tea and yelling when it got all over him. That's when Kuroo grinned, taking everyone's tea but Akaashi's so that there wouldn't be any more accidents.

Kuroo decided that he couldn't be the judge of whether Kenma was okay. He knew Kenma as well as he knew himself, but that didn't mean he could read his mind, sense how stable he was. Only Kenma could truly know that. So... Why was Kuroo still trying so hard? Why was he still acting like he knew what was best? It was stupid. He wouldn't do it anymore.

Kenma would be alright. After all, he had everyone on his side.

 

********

 

Kageyama sat in bed with his right hand in Tsukki's left. In his own left hand he held a mug of coffee, and he let his head rest on Tsukishima's shoulder gently. The taller boy was texting with his free hand, and aside from the fingers he'd laced with Kageyama's, the middle blocker wasn't paying him very much attention at all. Their knees bumped together every now and then, but they were mostly focused on waking up, and (if you were Tsukishima Kei) their phones.

"I can't believe you stole my coffee."

"I can't believe you let me." Kageyama retorted, sitting up straighter to take a sip from his mug.

"Tch."

He wasn't really mad. If Tsukishima was really mad, Kageyama would definitely know it. Mostly because Tsukki would be terrible and brutal, but that was alright. A lot of things were alright.

Kageyama could survive if that blond idiot could. It was almost like a contest, but one that even Tsukki wanted him to win. He could do it. He knew he could do it. Not that everything would just go back to normal; things were too fucked up to be reversed completely. Kageyama still felt like shit, and he'd still spent far too many days in this house. He still knew things about Tsukishima that he thought he maybe shouldn't, was closer to him than he'd ever thought he would be. Closer than he ever thought he should be.

But he wasn't complaining. It helped, it was helping already.

Kageyama would be fine, in time.

After all, he had everyone on his side. He knew that now.

 

********

 

"Sorry about Kuroo," Bokuto said, grinning at Kenma. "It's just that he's really in love with you, y'know? Not that I blame him. Anyone who's anyone is in love with at least two of us."

Kuroo raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Oh yeah? What about you, Bokuto? Who are you in love with?"

"Easy! Akaashi, and myself!"

Akaashi groaned. "Are you kidding me?"

"I'm as serious as I always am." Bokuto replied. "How about you, Akaashi?"

"Aside from you? I'd have to say Kenma. No offence, Kuroo."

Kenma blushed as Kuroo winked at the other setter. "None taken."

"Don't be embarrassing." He said quietly, and Kuroo stuck out his tongue. His blush deepened when Akaashi asked Kuroo who else he was in love with.

"Jeez," He mused. "I... Can I be in love with Kenma twice?"

Akaashi looked to Bokuto, who frowned. "Normally I would say no, but I'll make a special exception here for you, just because I know how much of a gross sap you are."

"Thanks, I really appreciate that." Kuroo said sourly. "Kenma? What about you?"

"This is stupid."

He felt lips behind his ear. "Yeah it is, but I don't care."

"Fine. Akaashi."

Bokuto stood up suddenly. "You can't fall in love with each other like that, it's not fair! Akaashi, you still love me more, right? Right?"

"Relax, Bokuto. Yes, I love you the most."

Kenma tried to stand, too, but winced when his feet hit the floor. Akaashi shot him a look of warning and he didn't try it again. He was tired, but his feet hurt and he'd sleep on the couch if he had to.

"Kenma, what's up?"

"I'm tired and I want to take a nap and I can't walk to the bedroom." He said shortly. "Kuroo?"

"On it."

He was carried away and tucked into bed in no time, a kiss pressed to his forehead and a lock of hair brushed out of his face. "I'll wake you up if you're still napping by the time there's something to eat, alright? We'll all try and be quiet so you can rest."

Kenma narrowed his eyes. "You're... not going to stay with me?"

"Do you want me to?"

"Not really." He admitted.

"Then I'm going to go make sure Bokuto doesn't scream himself hoarse while you're sleeping. Have a good nap."

"Kuroo, wait." Kenma blurted. "Um... I love you."

"I love you too, Kenma." Kuroo shut the door behind him, leaving Kenma to himself.

God, this was nice. He'd have to thank Akaashi later. And the others, as well. They cared about him and would do what he needed them to. Even if that meant meant leaving him alone when they didn't want to, even if it made them worry. They would do it.

Because Kenma? Kenma had everybody on his side.

**Author's Note:**

> the next (and last) chapter is gonna be much shorter since it's more of an epilogue i'm sorry ahhh i hope everyone liked this


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